Are You Losing Your Child to Video Games?

Navigating the digital storm. Don’t get swept away.

Have you ever lost something that you didn’t even know was lost? 

As a mom of four children, I’ve become a good detective. I can find the missing baseball cleat, the lost homework, and even the missing dog—all in a day’s work. Like most moms, I don’t allow much to get past me. Yet, despite my keen eye, we lost our oldest son, Adam, to the world of video games. But it wasn’t until the car ride home at the end of his freshman year in college that we realized what had happened. 

Packing up his dorm room, I began to see clear signs that something was wrong. My detective brain kicked into high gear. His room was in bad shape, and so was he. We loaded up the car and started the drive home. His physical appearance and general demeanor prompted me to ask the question that every parent dreads asking, “Adam, are you on drugs?” 

I remember exactly where we were on the highway when his answer to that question changed our lives.

“Mom, I’ve been in bed for a week. I didn’t leave my dorm room. I didn’t finish my classes. It’s not drugs. That video game did something to me. I’m not going back to college.”

I will never forget the shock I felt. “What do you mean that game did something to you?” 

His explanation of the effect of the game on his emotional and physical health was alarming. All the years of conflict and confusion finally made sense. Unfortunately, it was about six years too late.

How it all started: the casual gamer.

Our gift of a handheld video game device early on was the gateway to Adam’s obsession with gaming. It started—as addictions do—with casual, non-problematic use. Small doses of exposure began to slowly build over the next few years through middle school. I should have noticed the budding problem when his game time became his favorite activity above all else. I missed this red flag.

The at-risk gamer.

By the time middle school was in full swing, Adam had developed an obsession with his games, dropping out of sports and hobbies and choosing the virtual world over in-person time with friends and family. He was happy trading his time outside—riding his bike, playing in the cul-de-sac with neighbors, and playing in the woods—for more time inside on his video game. I hated my new job as the Game Cop Mom, setting the kitchen timer and dealing with the constant family conflicts over his game time. “Adam, come to dinner.” “Adam, get off the game and come upstairs to your sister’s birthday celebration.” “Adam, come open Christmas presents with us.” My requests were always met with resistance. I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, but I didn’t trust it. After all, he was an “A” student, and aren’t grades how we measure the well-being of our kids?

The high school laptop experiment. 

Adam’s screen habits got worse in 9th grade when his school, like many others, issued laptops to all the students. That was a turning point for Adam. I lost all ability to hold him accountable; no more kitchen timer. According to Adam, he needed his laptop for “homework.” How could I argue with that? 

I went to the school one day to discuss the problem with a teacher. As I walked down the hall, I passed a row of high school boys sitting on the floor with their backs against the cinder block walls, all on their laptops playing Call of Duty. The teacher told me it was lunch period. She explained that teachers had no control over what students did on their laptops during class or lunch. Having a laptop for “homework” is every gamer’s dream and every teacher and parent’s nightmare.  

The dependent gamer. 

His high school years were filled with the push and pull of trying to manage life with his unmanageable gaming habit. This habit spiraled into aggressive behavior and angry outbursts while he played for hours in the basement.

Was it normal for a teen boy to be happily hunched over a screen in the dark basement for hours? My mom friends assured me Adam was fine: “At least he is not out getting into trouble, getting drunk, or doing drugs. At least you always know where he is.”  I remember thinking that this was really setting a low bar. Shouldn’t a teen boy be out of the house exercising his freedom and taking some risks? Yes. Should parents have teens underfoot all day? No. Adam didn’t even want to get a driver’s license. 

He was replacing his family, too. His gaming family was becoming more important than his real family. This was the final step to a full-fledged addiction.

“A gamer always thinks about gaming; his world is the virtual world, and the real world is just a nuisance that pulls him away from his reality. Everything he does in the real world is done in order to get back to the gaming world as quickly as possible.”—Adam

The addicted gamer.

We were happy to see him off to college; we just knew he would outgrow his juvenile gaming habit and finally start his life. We were convinced that college was the perfect answer. But we were wrong. His straight-A abilities meant that he didn’t have to study that much, so he had more time than ever to play video games. And that’s what he did. The game took over, and he dropped out of college. He didn’t launch; he just kept doing the same thing he had always done. I used to believe the forbidden fruit myth—if you don’t allow gaming, your son will binge and go crazy when they leave the house. I don’t believe that anymore. We allowed it, and it got worse. On that ride home, everything became clear. 

“Your son will not wake up on his 18th birthday to be a different person. He will continue to do the things he has always done. If he is gaming now, it will only get worse when he leaves your home. Many married men game for hours every night. I know; I used to play with them.” —Adam

The science of the digital drug.

Once we got home, I immediately embarked on a mission to determine what exactly happened to Adam. Can a teen really be addicted to an activity? Why don’t video games have warning labels? Was it just Adam? Leaning on my nursing background, I took a deep dive into the research. I began to attend conferences and interview physicians and neuroscientists across the country. I learned that gaming addiction was a real thing. Just like gambling and drug addiction, it includes a well-defined neurochemical component hijacking the brain’s dopamine reward pathway. The repeated overproduction of high levels of dopamine leads to a craving for more, then to tolerance, and finally to addiction. The mystery was solved; Adam wasn’t exaggerating; the game had “done something” to him.

I continued my research. Why can’t he just walk away from the game? I learned about the power of persuasive design and the behavioral science utilized for gaming and slot machines. It’s pretty simple: they both give the user just enough rewards to keep them returning for more. Things became more clear. Any threat to remove the “drug” would trigger withdrawal. The angry outbursts and aggression suddenly made sense. Gaming was not the neutral screen activity I assumed it was.

Not just another parenting issue.

The education I received on the teen brain and the addiction science behind video games shifted my thinking and gave me exactly what I needed to help Adam. I no longer saw this as just another parenting decision—managing curfew times or crazy hairstyles—choices that are highly debated in parenting circles. The dopamine addiction component made allowing video games more serious and potentially life-altering than the decision to simply allow your teen to dye his hair blue. I learned about gamer depression, gamer suicide, video game treatment centers, and the new World Health Organization diagnostic code.

It was difficult to move past my years of blind spots and let go of myths. I had to lean on the science behind this addiction to guide my decisions. Here are some practical things I learned through this process:

• Gaming is not a rite of passage, nor is it a necessary activity for a boy. Even if he is not addicted, it is a risky activity. 

• Video games today are not what they used to be—kids are playing more immersive and violent games than PacMan. 

• Nothing in the natural world can provide the level of dopamine that gaming provides for a teen boy. The dopamine level from gaming falls somewhere between nicotine and cocaine. Furthermore, any addiction primes the brain’s reward pathways for future addictions—90% of adult addictions begin in the teen years. 

• The gamer becomes the god of his own universe, and in his daily escape, he separates from the physical world. Over time, the virtual world becomes so authentic and immersive that the desire for the natural world, nature, real-world activities, people, and family connections diminishes.  

• The gamer is being conditioned to crave low-effort, high-reward activities; he can become lazy.

• Parents create the conditions for video game addiction; it is not the child’s fault. Access is key for every addiction; this one is no different. 

• Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t make it right for your child.

• While not all teen boys will drop out of college due to gaming addiction, many are left stuck in an immature state of development. Their ability to face real-life challenges is stunted, making it difficult for them to get to the other side of adolescence and become fully functioning, independent young men. 

Our high school asked me to share the information I had learned from the conferences I was attending. We planned for about 20 parents, but over 100 showed up, and we ran out of chairs. Our family wasn’t the only one suffering. It wasn’t just Adam. 

The warning signs. (Don’t miss them like I did.)

Even if you feel video gaming is under control in your home, don’t be blind to the warning signs that can spring up overnight. Ask yourself these questions to assess the nature of game use in your home:

• Is game use increasing over time, has it become his favorite activity?

• Is game time displacing sports and healthy hobbies? 

• Are your son’s grades suffering?

• Is his social life suffering?

• Is he lying about his game activity?

• Is his gaming distancing him from his family? 

When something is creating discord in your home, don’t wait to reevaluate. The biggest warning sign for every parent is that we have to limit, set timers, negotiate, Google ‘gaming addiction,’ and argue over video games. Do we limit activities that are good for our boys? We don’t set limits on riding bikes, playing with Legos, building forts in the backyard, or reading books. We don’t argue over the fact that we had too much family time this week. 

“One warning sign for parents is this: If your son doesn’t naturally get bored and walk away from his game after about 20 minutes of play to do something like go outside or hang out with friends, or if he doesn’t crave in-person time with friends over gaming, he may be headed for trouble.” —Adam

If you sense something is wrong with your child’s relationship with screens, don’t ignore that persistent inner voice as I did for so long. It is the best warning sign I know.

Saving siblings.

Because of Adam’s experience, we changed how we addressed technology with his sister and younger brothers. We didn’t remove all technology but rather created a video-game-free and smartphone-free childhood for them—and we have a porn-free home, too. Radical? Yes. However, our daughter thrived during high school without a smartphone and social media. She was never pulled into the drama of middle school text wars or the temptations older teens faced on social media. The younger boys thrived without video games and the constant pull to play. This decision has led to so much joy in their lives and our home. Imagine never having another screen argument again with your child. I often tell Adam, “You saved your sister and brothers.” 

The addictive and provocative elements are so powerful in games today that I think it’s cruel to allow them through the front doors of our homes as a valued daily activity during childhood and expect our kids to balance their use. The benefits don’t outweigh the risks for kids. Setting our children up for failure is not protecting them; it is not wise. The parents’ responsibility is to guard their children against the addictive elements of technology that harm them and not to allow addictive screen activities as babysitters and birthday presents. This often means being countercultural. 

How to move forward. 

How do we fix the problem? With any addictive substance or activity, the problem will persist with continued access. My advice is to reduce the risks and skip video games as a go-to activity for your son during the most impressionable stages of development. Your son will thrive without gaming. The decision to pause gaming will naturally open up doors for other interests. Even if he is not addicted now, his game is keeping him from healthier free time activities. Don’t allow an addictive screen activity to become his favorite thing in the world. 

This is what I recommend:  

• Educate yourself and your son. Learning about the science of addiction together goes a long way. ScreenStrong can help.

• Step in early. Take action now before his game habit gets uncontrollable. If you think your son has a problem with gaming, he does. Trust your instincts and take action today. Don’t wait.

• Be a firm but loving coach. Don’t be afraid to set a high bar. Teen boys love boundaries and challenges; your son will be just fine in high school trading video game time for building and fixing things, participating in sports and physical activities, and hanging out with family more instead of wasting 10,000 hours on a video game. 

• Study the games he is playing. We tend to know more about the content of our laundry detergent than we know about the video games our kids play. Play his game for an hour (more than a few minutes), watch other teens play the game on YouTube, and really find out what your child is doing. Chances are, that may be all the persuasion you need to toss the game. 

• Don’t believe the moderation myth. All addictions start with moderation—a little bit of use on a regular basis. Do you really want to moderate an addictive activity? No. Moderating a highly addictive activity usually ends up with a poor outcome, not to mention the constant arguments over gaming limits. 

• Focus on life skills. Pay attention to what he is doing in real life and make sure he is learning the life skills every teen should know, things like changing a flat tire, getting a job, household chores, etc. 

• Improve social skills. Make sure he is joining teams (sports and clubs), and getting together in person with real people. His gaming does not provide the robust social time he needs; it doesn’t count. It is counterfeit—it seems real, but it isn’t. Social skills require practice with face-to-face interactions.

• Train free time. Screen time is not a healthy downtime activity. Teach him the valuable skill of redeeming boredom and downtime by choosing non-tech activities. He will need that skill for the rest of his life. 

• Detox. Reset his brain and try a 30- to 90-day video game detox. Even if you don’t think he is addicted, he can benefit greatly from a complete detox. Adam says, “Cold turkey is the only way to go if you want to give your son the benefit of a detox; forget moderation.”

• Make your home a fun place. Worried about your son not having any friends if you don’t have video games? Make your home the house where his friends like to hang out. This requires time on your end at first, but quickly, your son will take over the art of entertaining friends offline.   

“Since we decided to eliminate video games and told my son’s friends about it, my place has become the hang-out place. After school, kids just start coming into our home! They play board games, run around outside, or sit and talk. All I did was really to make it plain to them that they’re welcome here any time and that we strongly feel this eye-to-eye, shoulder-to-shoulder, in-person time is valuable (hence the reason for pausing video games). And the food certainly adds to the fun!” —Mom of two boys after a video game detox

Don’t be swept away.

The solution is not about taking away our kids’ fun. The solution is not restricting, controlling, or saying no. Rather, it is giving our boys more freedom and releasing them from the pull of the game. Give your son a chance to find joy and purpose in the natural world for this brief season of his life.

Adam once told me, “Mom, you will never hurt my feelings if you share all the details of my story and what happened to me. Please warn as many families as you can.” I hope our story has helped you find some answers and has given you courage. Every family today faces a tornado of digital technology in childhood; there is no escape. But not every family has to be swept away by it. We made many mistakes during Adam’s childhood. I promised myself I would never forget the pain, the loneliness, and the details of our journey so that sharing our experience may spare even one family the heartache of losing a child to video games. I hope that you are that family. Your lost son can be found, too, and I would love to hear all about it when you find him. 

Note:  After five years of service in the U.S. Army—which began soon after that ride home from college—Adam has graduated from college and law school. That break was key to resetting his brain and putting him on a productive path. He is also a spokesperson for ScreenStrong, where he shares his passion for saving more kids from the path he took. Had we not intervened, Adam might still be living in our basement like many boys who have been swept up and lost in the digital storm.

Learn more here about taking the steps to reverse and prevent screen addiction in your family. 

Get more gaming questions answered with our Kids’ Brains and Screens curriculum and in our Connect Plus parent group. 

Listen to these ScreenStrong Families Podcasts:

• Video Game Addiction: ScreenStrong's Founding Story (#113)

• The Hero’s Journey and Immersive Gaming with Dr. Huu Kim Le (#75)

• Achieving the Good Life: Going Game-Free with James Good, Former Gamer (#52)

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kid’s Brains and Screens course series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction. ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so that teens can reach their full potential. Visit ScreenStrongSolutions.com for educational material and ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community that is saving childhood.