Can You Raise a Teen Today Without a Smartphone?

Yes, you can. We did and this is what we learned.

Apr 10, 2024

We made it! My daughter made it to her 18th birthday without a smartphone. She is alive and well and, might I add, a very happy teen. I didn’t start with a plan to delay her smartphone use through high school; it just unfolded that way. This is what happened . . .

After dealing with video game overuse with my oldest son, I thought twice before I jumped on the smartphone-in-the-hand-of-every-teen bandwagon. I knew that giving my daughter a smartphone would definitely involve a trade-off, just as allowing video games involved a huge trade-off for my son—he dropped out of college in his first year due to a gaming addiction. I was finally clear on the risks of video games for boys, but what was the risk for girls having smartphones? A smartphone would allow my daughter to connect with friends, but what would the cost be for that constant connection?

More Phone Time Would Mean Less

More screen minutes would mean fewer minutes spent on other things in life: fewer minutes with family, fewer minutes at the kitchen table after dinner talking with us, and fewer minutes playing on the trampoline outside with her little brothers. It would mean less “free time,” less time to curl up with a good book, and less time spent pursuing other interests and hobbies. As a nurse, I understood that teens have difficulty controlling impulses. They are stressed easily and take uncalculated risks due to an underdeveloped frontal cortex. Teens naturally pick low-effort/high-reward activities, and they need more sleep. Teen girls especially can struggle with self-esteem issues. I had to think long and hard about how a smartphone would take away from her “free time” and what she would miss.

More Phone Time Would Also Mean More

The trade-off would also mean more of a few things: more time to gossip, more time to view unhealthy content, more temptation to cheat in school (over 50 percent of kids admit to doing this), more feelings of rejection from being left out of group texts, tags and comments; more chances to compare and be unhappy with her body, her hair, her clothes, and her skin; and overall, more wasted time. I was aware of this dilemma as I watched other moms around me struggle daily with their daughters’ smartphones and social media dramas. Some girls I knew were making “lack of privacy” mistakes that were life-altering. But as her 16th birthday approached, I thought it was the right time to give her a much-coveted smartphone. We had made it through the middle school years just fine with only a talk/text phone. I was ready to make the switch.

A Life-changing Lunch with Friends

I remember every detail and emotion of that eye-opening, fork-in-the-road moment. I was out to lunch with a close group of mom friends, all had 16-year-old daughters. They asked me about my daughter’s upcoming birthday. When I mentioned that I was going to upgrade my phone and give my old smartphone to my daughter, they all very firmly and loudly said, “Whatever you do, do not get her a smartphone—you will lose her!” I was stunned. They continued to talk and share stories of their smartphone woes.

“Our girls have them, and it has been the worst parenting decision we ever made. All they do is take silly selfies and stay up all night texting each other and searching the internet instead of doing their homework. They stick their tongue out and take pictures all day. They take pictures of their food, their pimples, their socks, their dogs going to the bathroom, and any embarrassing things going on in our home. Then they send it to each other on Snapchat, Instagram, and group texts that we can’t follow at all. If they have a smartphone, they will have social media. At 16, they are still obsessed with silly, stupid middle-school jokes and bathroom humor. They are regressing and not growing up, so we emphatically say, ‘Don’t do it, Melanie!’”

So, I listened to them with my eyes wide open, and my jaw dropped. I have been a mom long enough to know that the best parenting advice often comes from listening to moms who have made mistakes in their own homes and found solutions rather than relying on any trend, survey, research study, or other cultural persuasion. Suddenly empowered, I delayed the smartphone decision that day and decided that she would keep her text phone. I got her some cute boots for her 16th birthday instead of a new device. I had no way of knowing the benefits of their tested wisdom and that decision—until today.

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The Hidden Benefits of Being a Smartphone-free Teen

For our family, the no-smartphone decision turned out to be a decision with many benefits. Here is a quick list of the perks we found by delaying social media access and a smartphone:

She never went to bed in tears because someone said something mean to her on social media. Never.
She never woke up checking her phone to see how many likes she got before she could get dressed and proceed with her day.
She never went to a therapist or was on medication for social media depression and anxiety, a new, all-too-common reason for therapy for some of her friends.
We spent a lot of time talking when she got home from school and her gymnastics practice every day—the natural, undistracted kind of talks that firmly ground kids.
She was detached from the social drama, so when she walked in the door, she really came home. I heard all about the day’s events first before social media made them “public,” and I was the first voice offering Mom wisdom and advice.
I could listen to her and be present without either of us looking down at our phones. Teens desperately need to be heard by their parents, the face-to-face type of hearing that makes them feel that they are deeply and unconditionally understood and loved. If they don’t find this at your kitchen table, they will search for it outside your home.
Instead of instantly googling every little life situation, she used her brain to think through situations and problems. She practiced making little decisions by herself (what to wear, how to work out a relationship problem, and what to get a friend for a birthday gift without asking 100 people for advice). These small steps are necessary to master before the larger ones come along.
She didn’t talk disrespectfully about us, her parents, or our family on social media, as I am sadly discovering so many of her friends do. It is shocking.
She experienced pure unconditional love from us and didn’t expect that from relationships with friends, which is good since teens cannot give unconditional love to each other.
She didn’t re-post, “share,” or “like” the latest gossip gathered from the school day.
She was never distracted by her phone when doing her homework. She worked hard at the gym and had a full schedule but never complained about having too much homework.
She focused on her gymnastics and read a lot of good books.
She played with her little brothers a lot, taking them on bike rides, playing board games with them, wrestling with them, and just laughing along with them. She never ignored her little brothers to look at her phone, and they never saw inappropriate stuff on her phone. They benefited from this decision, too.
Instead of being shaped by the latest social media trend, she talked to us about moral dilemmas and current issues.
She had more real downtime, developed her art skills, and joined an art club. She practiced and experienced the gift of daydreaming and being alone.
As a family, we engaged in timeless activities such as playing cards and board games, tackling the family puzzle, enjoying movie nights together, and sharing silly jokes and stories. These moments serve as the glue that binds families together, creating cherished memories that form a solid foundation that your teen will need when they are on their own.

She learned to trust that we “had her back” and knew what was best for her and our family. We were not her best friends but her life coaches who loved her and wanted the best for her more than anyone.

Our Decision Strengthened Our Family Bond

When we went out to dinner, we never competed with the phone at the dinner table; the night out was spent being together and having priceless “teen-talk” conversations as we shared life. I knew one day she would be out of the nest, and I would long for these undistracted, irreplaceable conversations when we got to hear all about her dreams to be a college gymnast, her fears, her funny stories, her opinion on politics and all the things that made her the unique person she is. And we loved to hear her laugh.

When she signed her National Letter of Intent for a full four-year athletic scholarship at a large university to be on their gymnastics team, we, her family, were the first to hear it and experience it with her, not hundreds of her social media followers. We relished that moment together as a family. I often wonder if that offer would have worked out so well if the coaches had to review years of social media drama, questionable photos, bathroom humor, or worse before they recruited her. Parents and teens forget that social media decisions can have lifetime consequences; some kids don’t get recruited, hired, or married because of their social media mistakes.

We Waited Until 18, Not 8th (Grade)

A few months before my daughter left for college, I gave her my old smartphone. As you may have guessed, it took her about 4 minutes to learn how to use the phone; whew, it didn’t take her six years! I witnessed her caution and her budding wisdom; her use at 18 is certainly much better than her use at 13 or even 16 would have been.

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Common Concerns Parents Have About Delaying Smartphones

Each time I share this story with others, the same questions arise. I shared these concerns, too, but this is what we learned:

Did we worry she wouldn’t understand our decision or be mad at us?

No. She confidently told a group of moms recently that she loved her family when asked if she “hated her parents” for not allowing her to have a smartphone. Fear of your child not liking you is never a sound basis for any parenting decision. My confidence grew, and so did hers; she trusted me, and I knew she would understand the importance of this decision one day. We took the “power and control” away from the phone with that one decision, and it was pretty freeing! I didn’t care about being the “cool” mom; I tried that with my son, but it didn’t work out so well. I also realized that if she would be mad at me forever over not giving in on the smartphone/social media decision, we would have much bigger problems that needed to be addressed.

Does she feel that she has been left out?

No. If she was “left out,” she never knew it; her peers on social media felt much more left out than she ever felt. She didn’t have the large numbers of virtual social media “friends” in high school like most of her classmates, but she said she had deep friendships, which many young people today don’t have. She never missed a party she was invited to because she didn’t know about it. Her friends texted her on her basic phone. She maintained a very healthy, active social life with a few different friend groups. She also says many of her friends came to her for social media drama advice because they knew she was an unbiased third party. The only time she felt left out was when her friends would come over and spend their time looking and laughing at their phones when she was sitting right there in front of them.

Was I concerned she would not be prepared for the digital world?

No. Social media is just another form of entertainment. It is not building rare or valuable skills for our kids’ futures. And it is not worth the time to spend away from other important activities and life skills. It is designed to grab their attention, collect personal information, likes, and preferences, and mash them all together in an algorithm that can be used to market products and services to them. Is it all bad? No, but it is a highly addictive, distracting form of entertainment. Since the judgment center is the last part of the brain to develop, teen brains are really good with the “accelerator” and bad with the “brakes,” most can’t use it in moderation. My daughter is much more prepared for the digital world due to her maturity, not because of her record-breaking number of “likes” when she was in high school.

Did we think she was going to be behind when it came to technology use for a future job?

No. Texting and posting on social media can be done by most 4-year-olds. Teens don’t learn technology skills on these platforms. They don’t learn non-verbal communication, empathy, listening, respect, and quality writing skills on their smartphones either. Business owners know these skills are rare and more valuable than any job skills that can be easily trained. Young workers with good work habits and strong face-to-face communication skills will be way ahead in the job market now and in the future.

Did she regret not having a smartphone or social media in high school?

No. She explained that while she did not have any “social media followers” in high school, the relationships she built were developed over time and in person. As a result, she learned how to be a “true, loyal friend” (her words) and how to find those same qualities in others. No regrets on her end.

We see that she is not defined by her phone or social media; it is not her life. She has not wasted years aimlessly trying to find something her screen will never provide. She has had a rich, authentic, full childhood. She has learned early that she doesn’t have to “follow the crowd” and give in to all the peer/cultural pressure around her. She learned that a phone shouldn’t control you. She is not behind socially. She is not controlled by the “slot machine” in her pocket. I am guessing that her smartphone-free experience will help her much more in the future than undoing mistakes from years of social media recklessness.

Did she “binge” and “go crazy” when she finally got her smartphone?

No. I know many parents worry about this; in fact, this is one of the top worries parents seem to have when struggling with the decision to delay. But it is a myth. Kids continue to do what they have always done when they leave the nest. Our son binged on gaming in college even after we allowed it in high school; that experiment didn’t work out so well.

When our daughter finally got her phone, she was older and had established good time management habits and excellent social skills. She continued to do her favorite things that fulfilled her, and the phone was just the tool it was meant to be. She even turned it off at night so it wouldn’t wake her up, and she didn’t use it while driving. When she got to college, she didn’t go crazy with social media. She ended up taking the Snapchat app off her phone when she realized it was “causing her too much stress” (her words).

Did we later regret our decision to delay?

No, we did not regret delaying for the 48 months of high school. I don’t think you will either. We traded the conflict, the arguments, the social media mistakes, and the emotional scars for something far more significant: strong family attachment and grit. This choice put her on a healthier path and created a strong foundation for our relationship that will last forever. We have never looked back and wished that she had spent more time on a smartphone.

Our daughter will have the rest of her life to deal with all the benefits and responsibilities of having the distraction of a phone 24/7, and her wisdom in doing so will be built on a solid foundation. But she won’t have the rest of her life to redo her childhood. We only had one chance in her first 18 years to create a solid family-centered foundation. If we had to do it again, we would have done exactly the same thing.

Can you raise a teen today without a smartphone?

Yes! If you are leaning toward delaying a smartphone for your teen, let me encourage you to join the crowd that is doing just that. Your child’s well-being depends on it. With confidence, wait until they are 18 and don’t believe the myth that teen smartphone use is worth the emotional pain and suffering it causes. Be confident, and don’t second guess your decision. Instead, invite their friends over today to do something fun. After all, authentic connections are the only things they want more than their smartphone.

When my daughter was home for her first visit after starting college, we were getting ready to go out to dinner, and her phone was on the kitchen table. I asked her if she needed her phone as we headed out the door. She said, “No, Mom. I don’t need my phone at dinner. I’m with you all and can’t wait to catch up.” Like monkeys, her two giggling little brothers were hanging on her as she walked out the back door. My eyes filled with tears as I turned to look for the car keys. At that moment, I realized that we had gained much more than we had lost with that simple decision to delay her smartphone. It really did change her life…both in ways we can measure and in ways we are still discovering.

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