No, your teen has not earned smartphone privacy
Why too much trust in our teens can backfire.
Though your teen’s phone may seem like a permanent extension of her hand, let’s say that we are sitting together in your living room, and your teen’s phone is left on the coffee table.
Would you feel comfortable if I picked it up and read all her group texts, scrolled through her photos, and checked her social media? Probably not.
Now ask yourself why that is. Many parents’ knee-jerk reaction is to say, “It’s an invasion of her privacy.” But I would argue the true discomfort comes not from the thought of my looking through your daughter’s private conversations but from the worry about what I might find.
This isn’t because your daughter is flawed or immoral; it’s because she’s a teenager who is prone to mistakes, meaning there’s a high probability something she has texted or posted may be a little—or a lot—inappropriate.
This is why we should not trust our teens when it comes to social media and phone use and why we should not offer them privacy. When we offer our teens privacy in the digital world, we fail to protect them, both from themselves and from others online. By not being involved in your child’s digital life, you are also missing out on teaching opportunities when it comes to what’s responsible and what’s not in the online world.
And no, this parental supervision isn’t forever. We aren’t saying you should continue to monitor your college student’s or young adult’s private messages. This is just for now, during their most vulnerable years.
Three reasons your teen has not earned smartphone privacy—yet.
1. Teens are not quite ready to be trusted.
Online privacy isn't about whether your child has earned your trust. Science shows that teen brain development is gradual and cannot be rushed. We might believe teens are mature because we see glimpses of good judgment, but this doesn't mean they're ready for the complexities of the online world. Granting them online privacy is not like extending a curfew or letting them drive. Just as you wouldn’t trust a car with faulty brakes, you shouldn’t fully trust a teen's still-developing executive function skills.
Giving our kids screen privacy does not speed up their brain maturation because nothing can, and it does not increase their trustworthiness. As Tom Kersting, teen therapist and author of Disconnected, says, “It is not my job as a parent to trust my teens; it is their job, however, to learn to trust me.”
2. Nothing is private online.
Every online platform is public, meaning nothing shared online can ever truly be considered private. Even posts in private chat rooms can become public very easily. Parents often show me screenshots of “private posts” from their teen’s friends that obviously aren’t very private. Your child will be held accountable for his online activity when he gets a job, has a boss, and gets married. Your teens may even be held accountable now, with a damaging post or group chat getting them suspended or kicked off a team. It is unfortunate that during a stage of development when teens need the most accountability, they often have the least when it comes to their activity online. For your teens’ own protection now and in the future, you should never be the last to know what they are posting.
3. Parents must know what their kids and older teens are doing online in order to teach them well.
Just like it is impossible to train your child to drive a car without supervising from the passenger seat, you cannot train your child to be smart online if you are not privy to what he is doing in that world. Like good coaches do for their players, parents must pay attention to their kids’ actions so they can encourage and redirect them when they struggle.
The online world is an adult world. As with other adult privileges, our kids are anxious to experience many things before they are ready. Have you ever watched a toddler walking around in her mom’s high-heeled shoes? She stumbles and falls because the shoes are too big for her. Teens crave the “adult shoes” of the internet, but they do not have the executive function skills needed to balance those cravings, like impulse control and self-monitoring.
The internet is too much for teens to manage, and the consequences of mismanagement are serious. They will stumble and fall and likely hurt others in the process. Parents who are afraid to monitor what their kids are doing online have lost not only valuable teaching opportunities for their own teens but are also responsible for the potential pain their teens are inflicting on others.
The other side of this problem is that the apps teens use can often encourage troubling behavior or expose them to dangerous influences. In a very real way, your absence from their online lives leaves teens vulnerable to outside forces that only want to capitalize on your children’s time and attention—by using any content necessary.
The most tragic result leads to sextortion and even teen suicide; these are the stories I’ve heard too often from heartbroken parents on our ScreenStrong Families podcast. Older teens are less likely to share these online struggles with parents than younger tweens. Everyone needs accountability online, especially your older teens. It’s unfortunate that when our children need the most accountability, they have the least.
So, what kind of privacy should you offer your teen?
When I present this argument to families, they often say, "Well isn’t watching what they are doing online helicoptering?” To which I wholeheartedly reply, “No, it isn’t.”
As Jon Haidt argued in his book The Anxious Generation, we are overprotecting our kids in the real world and underprotecting them in the virtual world.
Teenagers do need privacy with their friends when they hang out in person or talk on the phone. They need to learn what it takes to grow friendships on their own, without their parents’ interference.
Teens do deserve a private place to write down their thoughts, like a journal or diary, which parents should not read. Too often, kids treat social media like their personal diary, which can leave them more vulnerable and anxious.
Make the tough choice to go counter-cultural.
Raising healthy kids today is hard work. It requires time, patience, and difficult decisions. Often, it requires going against culture, especially when that culture ignores neuroscience or propagates the interests of companies and content creators that want to separate you from your teen.
At ScreenStrong, we recommend not giving smartphones until after high school. This recommendation is based on medical science as well as practicality: I know I don’t have a spare hour or two every day to review my child’s phone activity every day and discuss any unkind or inappropriate messages I might find.
However, if you choose to allow your teen to have a smartphone, you should have full access to it. Most teens spend more time on their phones each day than they do sleeping. You will need to invest a significant amount of time from your day to monitor their activity.
If this sounds exhausting to you—it does to me—know that there is an alternative. You can delay smartphone use and allow your child to communicate with friends using a basic phone through the end of high school when your child’s brain is actually more mature.
When you choose to live ScreenStrong, there is no more guessing or wondering what your children say or do on their phone apps. This not only reduces your anxiety, but your teens’ as well.
You’ve got this! Solving the teen smartphone privacy dilemma is easier than you think—and it doesn’t have to involve hours of scrolling through their messages every day. The next time your teen argues that you don’t trust her on her phone, don’t take the bait. Smile and say, “I may not trust you yet, but I love you and will always have your back.”
If your teen’s smartphone use is causing stress in your home and you are ready to hit the pause button, we can help! Learn how to stop the screen conflicts and arguments in your home.
Where to start? ScreenStrong has the resources to help.
If you are looking for more support and a way to explain all this science to your tweens and teens, our Student Course is perfect. It includes our 30-day reset, a day-by-day, week-by-week guide for removing toxic screens from your home and replacing them with real-world skills and family connection. It also includes access to the parent AND student versions of our Kids’ Brains & Screens course and our Connect parent group, where you will meet like-minded families who can support you on this journey. It’s never too late to get your kids back!