Why writing a smartphone agreement won’t help your teen

Why asking your child to sign a smartphone contract is a recipe for conflict

The harms of smartphones are well-documented. They are a key driver of the teen mental health crisis and a source of daily conflict in countless homes across the country. 

Yet many parents who give their children smartphones think they can avoid these realities and teach them to use their smartphones responsibly by asking them to sign a contract, ensuring they will adhere to certain boundaries, and using their smartphones in a balanced way. 

Sounds good in theory, right? Well, after nearly a decade, what we have learned at ScreenStrong is that, more often than not, these contracts fail. 

Why do these kinds of contracts fail? Here are 4 of the biggest reasons. 

1. You are dealing with a teen brain.

There is a reason that children cannot sign any binding documents until age 18. It’s because a very important part of their brain is still not developed, the part that has to do with decision-making and executive functioning. 

As neurologist Dr. Frances Jensen writes in her book The Teenage Brain,  “[T]he teen brain is only about 80 percent of the way to maturity. That 20 percent gap, where the wiring is thinnest, is crucial and goes a long way toward explaining why teenagers behave in such puzzling ways—their mood swings, irritability, impulsiveness, and explosiveness, their inability to focus, to follow through, and to connect with adults; and their temptations to engage in risky behavior…. They are not firing on all cylinders.” 

So, while they may show intelligence in drafting an eloquent-sounding contract, they do not yet have the maturity to follow it through. IQ is no substitute for maturity, impulse control, and willpower, and those skills often develop after adolescence. 

Here’s a statistic that highlights this disparity: 

In a recent survey of teen drivers, more than 80 percent admitted to using their smartphones while driving. Yet I’m pretty sure that clause “to not text and drive” is in every teen smartphone contract. Why does this happen? Because the lure of smartphones is too powerful for their underdeveloped brains to resist. 

2. Contracts blur the boundary between parent & child. 

Contracts are intended to protect and serve both parties involved and allow them to enter an agreement on equal footing. But your teen is not your equal. They may be an incredibly valued member of your family whose opinions can always be voiced, but they do not share power equally with their parents. 

Contacts often give teens a false sense of leverage and ability to negotiate. And while negotiating a later curfew on a Saturday night is one thing, when it comes to a device as powerful and alluring as a smartphone, there should not be room to negotiate. 

Like a good coach, you must keep the lines of leadership clear. The phone contract transfers power from the parent to the teen, eroding the lines of leadership. Like with a sports team, rules are needed, not contracts.

3. Smartphone contracts are impossible to enforce.

The truth of the matter is, even if your contract gives you the right to monitor your child’s phone activity, you simply do not have the time to keep track of every single thing they are doing on their phone every single day. And unfortunately, with teens on phones, a lot can go wrong. And quickly.

Eric Goldfield, a counselor based in Charlotte, NC, says: “I never recommend contracts for screen management. There is a level of parental naivety if they think contracts will keep their kids on track; they are hoping for accountability but are getting avoidance of consequences instead. Kids know that they don’t have to follow the contract because there is no way to enforce it. There is no investment on their end because they know that their parents can’t keep track of their phone activity. The parent is giving all the power back to the child with a contract.”

“But what about tracking apps?” I hear some of you asking. 

Yes, these apps exist and will send you reports on what your child is texting, when they are driving, and what they are searching for, but again, the management of these monitoring apps or software programs consume hours of a parents’ day, not counting the time you spend dealing with your child for infractions. It’s like taking on another exhausting job. 

4. Contracts damage your relationship with your child. 

While the hope with these contracts is to avoid conflict, I have heard too many heartbreaking stories of how broken phone contracts have led to alienation, lying, mistrust, and deep-rooted pain between teen and parent. For some, the damage seems irreparable.

Your teens’ greatest need is to be unconditionally loved by and accepted by their family; the very nature of a phone contract may make them feel like they are an adversary (you vs. them) or that you are not on the same team, driving your children to orient their identities and values around their peers than their family. 

What does your teen need instead of a contract?

Rules. Your teen needs rules from firm yet loving parents. They need parents to set and enforce healthy boundaries that protect them from harm. When you abdicate this responsibility and leave your teen to their own devices, literally and figuratively, you may get their approval in the moment. But I can tell you that at the first sign of trouble—and with smartphones, there will be trouble—you will be the one thrown under the bus as your child wonders where you were and why you didn’t do more to prevent the problem. The clear, simple rule we suggest at ScreenStrong? No smartphones until age 18. And no contract is needed for that rule. 

There is a much easier option.

At ScreenStrong, we believe that kids don’t need smartphone contracts because they don’t need smartphones. In fact, they don’t need anything that requires a contract. Hold off even while they are in high school, and let them enjoy growing up first. If all parents followed the real contract laws of every phone carrier (you must be 18 years old to sign a phone contract to get a phone), we wouldn’t be in the mess we are in today.

Is it hard to set the bar that high? No, it is not as hard as arguing over contract violations or having to reverse a phone addiction. That’s hard. So, for now, hit the pause button on the teen smartphone and spend more time enjoying your kids—you don’t need a contract for that.

If you are trying to stay strong and give your kids a real childhood without phone contracts, we have two resources that can help you stay motivated: our Connect Plus forum, where you can connect with like-minded families and access educational material, and our weekly ScreenStrong Families podcast, where we share the latest brain science as well as tips from parents just like you. 

Where to start? ScreenStrong has the resources to help.

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kid’s Brains and Screens Series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction. ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so that teens can reach their full potential. Visit KidsBrainsAndScreens.com for educational material and ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community that is saving childhood.