Why “The Tech Talk” With Your Kids Isn’t Working

Talking won’t prevent screen addiction. Action and education will.

The past few weeks, I’ve been busy—really busy! I’ve been speaking to school boards, local officials, and parents across the country about what each of us can do to protect our kids against toxic screen use. And I wanted to share 2 very interesting interactions I had.

The first was with a mom I met at a restaurant. It was clear from her body language that she didn’t want anyone to see her meeting with me—she was embarrassed. Her eighth-grade daughter posted (not texted—posted!) a nude photo of herself last week, and the mom was rightfully shocked and devastated.

“I don’t understand,” she said. “We’ve talked about this before. She knows better. What else could I have done?”

The second interaction happened not long after that. A dad approached me after a workshop, frustration in his voice. “We talk to our son about his gaming all the time, but it’s like he doesn’t hear us,” he says. “It’s a constant battle in our home.”

My response to these parents was the same: when it comes to addictive things (of which toxic screens are one!), we cannot protect our kids by simply talking to them. We must also take action to keep these addictive screens out of our homes while educating our children about our decision to do things differently.

The need for a “tech talk” is a red flag

If you’re allowing smartphones, social media, and video games in your home while also having numerous “warning” conversations with your child, that should be a red flag that something is wrong with the activity itself.

After all, we wouldn’t allow our children to do drugs just as long as they listened intently when we told them about the dangers of using drugs. And we’ve never needed to warn our children about the dangers of playing Legos, reading books, or shooting hoops in the driveway because warning conversations are not needed for healthy activities.

Why “The Tech Talk” Fails

Parents today are more frustrated than ever. They’ve had the tough conversations. They’ve made the rules. They’ve set the kitchen timer again. And again. And again. Yet their kids keep blowing through their screen limits and making risky choices online.

That’s because common parenting advice about technology is missing a critical piece: Brain Science.

The well-intentioned strategies we resort to often fall short, such as:

• Taking a digital citizenship class in school

• Heavily policing technology with parental controls

• Signing a smartphone contract

• Having a handful of conversations and hoping for the best

But the truth is that if these strategies worked, we could have easily eliminated teen pregnancy, drug use, and drunk driving just by having a few conversations.

Conversations alone don’t work because your teen’s brain is still under construction. They don’t yet have the cognitive tools to manage high-risk digital environments.

Science tells us that it takes 25 years for the brain's judgment center (frontal cortex) to develop, and we can’t speed it up by talking to our kids about being mature. Teens can’t transform verbal directions and long conversations into action when it comes to digital safety, especially when the addictive nature of screens is factored into the equation.

It’s the same as if a coach simply told his high school basketball team, “You’re going to go out there, hit every free throw, and score every basket you attempt.” The team can’t do that because they don’t have the skills. Their fundamentals aren’t strong enough yet.

6 More Reasons Your Teen’s Brain Struggles to Make Healthy Digital Decisions

An underdeveloped frontal cortex isn’t the only thing preventing your teen from making healthy decisions when it comes to screens. Here are six more reasons, all of which are rooted in brain science.

1. Memory Gaps
   Teens struggle with prospective memory or the ability to remember to apply advice later or recall a specific instruction. When you tell them, “Never friend a stranger on Snapchat” or “Don’t text while driving,” their brains may not retain or recall that instruction in the moment. This is why, despite repeated warnings, 40% of teens text while driving, and the older they get, the more likely they are to do it. Insurance companies build their business on this brain fact. This is why just telling your teens not to friend a stranger online will not work.

2. Slow Information Processing
   Teen brains have more gray matter than white matter, meaning their neural pathways aren’t as fast as an adult’s, and they can’t transfer information as quickly. Even if they intellectually understand your rules, their reaction times and decision-making are slower—a dangerous reality when using social media or driving.

3. Poor Impulse Control
   No matter how intelligent your teenagers are, they are not yet mature. And it takes an advanced, mature brain to resist temptation—especially in a virtual world designed to be addictive. Teens have the ability to use more logic skills around the age of 15 and may score well on the SAT, but they have a harder time accessing their frontal lobe because it is still developing. This makes it harder for them to assess risks and control impulses. They know staying up gaming until 3 AM before a math test is a bad idea, but their brains struggle to translate knowledge into action. As parents, we need to take action on their behalf by removing the screens from the home while also educating them about our decision.

4. High-Risk, High-Reward Behavior
   The teen brain is wired for novelty and dopamine; it is not wired to count the costs yet. Anything new has the potential to reward your teen with dopamine. Their reward system is also more sensitive than an adult’s, making dopaminergic activities like social media and gaming especially enticing. This is why teens take risks online—like bypassing parental controls or engaging with online predators—despite knowing the dangers. The craving for the reward from risky behaviors outweighs the fear of the cost of that activity.

5. Sleep Deprivation
   The overuse of screens is creating a generation of sleepless teens. Only 15% of teens get the nine hours of sleep their brains need each night. Sleep is crucial for brain development, increased gray matter, learning, memory, emotional regulation, and impulse control. Sleep deprivation is also linked to an increase in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking, fighting, reckless driving, sexual risk-taking, and even suicidal thoughts.

6. Lack of Experience
   Wisdom comes from experience, and teens haven’t been alive long enough to develop it. Teens can feel very knowledgeable about everything, and they often believe bad things won’t happen to them. They assume parents “just don’t understand” technology. By educating your child about the brain science behind screen use, you will prove you understand these technologies perfectly well, which is why you are protecting your child from them until their brain has matured.

What’s missing from “the tech talk”? Brain science.

Instead of relying on rules and warnings alone, start with brain science. When kids understand why their brain struggles with screens—and why you are choosing to skip them during this crucial adolescent period—they are far more likely to buy into your boundaries. They may not agree, but at least they will understand the logic better.

Our Kids’ Brains & Screens series was created to help you and your kids understand the foundational science behind healthy brain development and screen use. The Student Edition has helped thousands of students in schools across the world, and in just a few weeks, we will be releasing our streamlined Home Edition. For any parent who’s stuck in the cycle of setting limits that only get broken, the Home Edition is the resource you need to finally end screen conflicts in your home.

Ready to have more effective tech conversations? Skip the emotion and go for the logic.

The KBS Home Edition launches on March 31! Sign up here to be the first to get the news.

Until then, remember:

• Your child’s brain needs time to develop before taking on digital risks.

• Giving them the “why” behind your rules will strengthen their trust and understanding.

• Delaying addictive screens now means fewer battles later.

Your kids have the rest of their lives to use screens. Let’s give their brains a healthy head start. I promise your children will understand and appreciate the science better than you can imagine, and they will love you more for caring enough to explain it to them.

“Kids’ Brains and Screens is an extraordinary book. It covers so many aspects of digital life, it covers the science for each area, and it makes it all interesting, accessible, and useful to young people. The book is ideal for any school that has a digital media course, for any parent who wants to talk with their adolescent about why they have the family policies they do, and for any young person who can see that digital childhood is damaging some of their friends. The book shows ways out of the trap, ways to regain a human childhood that is full of real-world fun.”

—Jonathan Haidt, Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership, New York University—Stern School of Business, author of The Righteous Mind, Co-author of The Coddling of the American Mind and The Anxious Generation

ScreenStrong Resources

Podcast - “Navigating Kids’ Resistance to Screen Education with Becky Grant”

Podcast - “Screens & Teens: A Warning to Parents with Dave Anderson ”

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kids’ Brains and Screens Series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction.

ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so teens can reach their full potential. Visit here for our popular Kids’ Brains & Screens series and here for our Phone-Free Schools Guide, and visit ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community that is saving childhood.