Your Teen WILL Have Friends Without A Smartphone. Just Ask My Homecoming Queen.

Intro from Melanie:

As I travel and promote the ScreenStrong message, I hear many stories about why parents must give their teenagers a smartphone, and I say “stories” because they are not true! One of the biggest is that our kids—and especially our teenagers—won’t have friends unless we give them a smartphone so they can talk to their friends via Snapchat and Instagram DMs. 

From my own experience, I know this isn’t true. My oldest son, Adam, was a gamer, and to describe his fellow online gamers as “friends” was a stretch. However, my youngest two navigated high school without video games or a smartphone, and they had so many friends from all the various activities they were involved in, friends that they still see and keep in touch with, even as they have moved on to college. 

To prove my experience isn’t unique, I wanted to share a guest post from another mom (who wishes to remain anonymous for now) who delayed smartphone use for her kids throughout high school and whose oldest daughter was recently even crowned homecoming queen!

There are so many things I love about this post, but a few I want you to focus on as you read: 

1. It wasn’t easy, especially during the middle school years, but this mom stayed strong, and her children are thriving in high school.

2. She is not anti-screen! Instead, her family uses screens intentionally as tools and not as toys. 

3. She and her husband live ScreenStrong as well. Teenagers love to point out hypocrisy, so don’t give them any ammunition in this department and model the relationships with technology you want to see. 

 But enough from me! Enjoy this guest post from a fellow ScreenStrong mom. 

—Melanie

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My daughter went all through high school without a smartphone.  In fact, she went through all of middle school without any kind of phone and received a basic phone at 16 when she got her driver’s license. Of course, she wished she had an iPhone like everyone else, but the truth is, she is flourishing academically and socially and was even voted homecoming queen this year. And in my view, this is not a happy accident. 

Still, getting here wasn’t easy. 

When she was in middle school, I realized how rare our decision to delay smartphones really was, and this left me feeling lost and alone. All of my intuition and instincts as a mother told me giving her a smartphone would not be the right choice for our family, but still, I had doubts. After all, she was the only middle schooler who did not have a phone. 

I would’ve given anything to have another parent I could talk to who had been in my shoes. And that’s why I’m writing this. I want to speak for those parents whose hearts are telling them to go against the grain with their children and phones. 

Of course, we are close with many wonderful parents of amazing children who have completely different technology policies. I believe that all parents want what is best for their own families. For those looking for permission to be unconventional, my kids are living proof that it is possible to raise healthy, happy children without smartphones.

Don’t believe the myth.

When my oldest entered middle school, the advice that I heard over and over again was, “Sure, smartphones and social media will harm your child, but the social harms without those things are greater.” My children’s social lives shatter this advice. 

We have several children, all of whom are unusually low-tech for their age. They have many friends, are well-liked by their peers and teachers, and have active in-person social lives. They are bold, confident, and able to speak well in public. Some of my children participate in sports, and some participate in the arts, but whatever their chosen activities, they are leaders who excel in their hobbies.

Low-tech is not no-tech.

Despite being somewhat unusual with phones, we are not living in the 1800s. We have a family desktop computer and a house phone, and my personal iPhone is loaded with all sports and other activity apps that my children can and do use.  

Before my oldest got her basic phone, she could communicate with friends via Google Voice and iMessage on an iPad, then on the laptop she uses for school work. This met her need to keep in touch with her friends without the “everywhere all the time” nature of the phone. It also minimized my need to nag her, which was a huge goal of mine.

While everything I’ve stated is completely true, I also think it’s important to mention that my kids would still likely choose to have a smartphone if they could. At times they have felt left out and embarrassed by being the only kids without them. On multiple occasions, I’ve been asked, “Why do you have to be the weirdest mom in the world?”They have even had incidents of being left out of school projects or school social media group texts.

And while my children do get upset with me sometimes, they also know where my heart is. I’m open about the bad feelings I’ve felt through social media, even as an adult, and my desire to prioritize in-person relationships. I also share resources like ScreenStrong and Jonathan Haidt’s Substack with them so they can understand the research behind our decisions.

It is definitely hard to be different, but after assessing all the burdens and the benefits, I still believe we are doing what’s best for our family.

Your parenting instincts are powerful.

And they can also be inspirational. A few of my friends were empowered to delay smartphones a little longer, and it gave us a starting point to be able to discuss these issues together and support each other.

Here are a few tips and resources that have been helpful to my family.

• We keep a house phone (yes, one of those old-school landline-style ones) for when the kids are home alone.

• After getting connected with Let Grow, we traded unlimited internet access for more personal freedom. Even though it was initially hard for me to let go, I chose to let my kids, starting in middle school, roam the neighborhood with friends and just an old analog watch and a curfew. 

• We make an effort to make our house "the place to be" and let my children have friends over even when I’m tired

  , or the house isn't perfectly clean. 

• My kids access Instagram through a family account on an old, shared phone. This lets my kids keep up with postings from their activities. They can also see photos of them and their accomplishments that are shared on these pages. 

• We don’t allow devices at the dinner table, and when we go on family vacations, we make an effort to fully power off as much as possible. 

• My husband and I do our best to be good role models. Over the years, we have whittled down our own social media and phone use (I currently have no social media or browser on my phone). We keep our phones out of our bedroom when we sleep and use a real alarm clock. And when we go to family gatherings or church, we keep our phones at home or in the glovebox to prioritize those we are with.

As with many things in life, doing what’s right is often the hardest choice. Raising my daughter (and all my kids) without traditional reliance on phones was the most challenging parenting decision I’ve made, yet it’s the one I am most certain about. I hope that after reading this, you feel empowered to approach your family’s tech policies with the same confidence.

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For more encouragement, check out these ScreenStrong Families podcasts:

ScreenStrong Teens: Smartphone-Free Childhoods (#198)

A Smartphone-Free Adolescence: Melissa’s Story (#172)

Smartphone Addiction: ScreenStrong's Founding Story (#119)

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kid’s Brains and Screens course series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction. ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so teens can reach their full potential. Visit ScreenStrongSolutions.com for educational material and ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community that is saving childhood.