Having witnessed this firsthand in my own family, thank you so much. I was so disappointed when The Anxious Generation took what I felt was a very light-touch approach to the gaming issue with boys.
Like you, no parent sets out to harm their child. But here we are.
Eat fast food regularly, and real food tastes like cardboard. Eat real food regularly, and fast food tastes weird, fake, and heavy. The same principles apply to internet enmeshment. The more online you are, the more real life feels boring. The more offline you live, the more the internet is perhaps useful, but not that interesting, and not addictive.
Thanks to Melanie, we now know the science of dopamine, helping us explain these experiences we have all had.
Thank you for sharing this—I really resonate with your analogy and your perspective. We’ve seen the same patterns in families: the more kids get pulled into screens, the less satisfying real life feels, but the more time they spend unplugged, the richer and more appealing real life becomes.
I also share your concern that gaming—especially for boys—gets less attention than it deserves in these broader conversations. At ScreenStrong, we focus a lot of energy on video gaming, as I believe it is, in many ways, more harmful than smartphones, even though that is hard to believe. We’ve seen firsthand how powerful it is when families understand the dopamine science behind this, and how much hope there is when parents are given the tools to help their kids step back into real life.
I so appreciate your thoughtful comment and the way you put this into words.
Monica, I am better informed now and did not notice that The Anxious Generation soft-pedaled the gaming issue. I say NO GAMING. PERIOD. FOR ANYONE. EVER. As an educator of 45 years and counting, I have been changed my position on technology after reading all of Melanie's excellent writings. I say NO TECH for students in school. Let the teacher use a laptop or desktop computer as a resource. But let's go OLD SCHOOL with paper and pencil or pen. The research indicates significantly better learning that way, and students must not have such easy 1-to-1 access to Artificial Intelligence for the purposes of cheating. In-class writing. In-class quizzes. Flipping the classroom, ask students to watch VALUABLE educational videos at home under the supervision of their parents, and test/quiz the students in the classroom.
Thank you for mentioning Fortnite and Minecraft, seemingly innocuous games which many parents believe pose no risk to kids--many parents are convinced that the problems only come later and will be clearly visible as their kids enter their teens. But these "kiddie" games act as digital gateway drugs, teaching boys early on that rewards are gained easily in video games at the expense of tough, but vital, real-world tasks. Just as we are pushing back the age when kids get smartphones, it's time we do the same with gaming.
THANK YOU, Richard! You have done years of work in this space, and I couldn’t agree more. These so-called “kiddie games” absolutely set the stage for long-term problems. Parents often underestimate them, but they serve as the training ground for bigger struggles down the road. We do need to bring this issue back to the forefront of the conversation. Many families are silently struggling with gaming, yet their struggles are often overlooked in today’s discussions about smartphones. Let's fix that.
I'm just gonna restack the whole essay now, after shorter bits, because this is something parents are painfully unaware of. I think that gaming addiction is especially dangerous to highly sensitive kids, who already feel everything so intensely, are quick to withdraw from the world when they feel misunderstood, and they do plenty of time. Thank you for writing it!
Clearly you have strong experiences in this regard that are impactful to you, but I don’t feel like this piece understands the experiences of boys growing up or the nuances of video games.
I think parents should definitely be careful with how their kids interact with games, but completely removing them doesn’t make sense either. To be clear, almost all of those nice, well adjusted 20-something men you see around also played video games their whole time growing up.
Video games are a medium like movies or tv and parents should absolutely regulate what kind of things their kids consume, I think that’s absolutely fair. There were certain games my parents didn’t let me play until I was a bit older, and my parents did have rules about communicating with strangers online in games (or even listening) that I think was tremendously helpful to me.
With that said, I played video games quite a bit growing up and it absolutely is a large part of the social fabric as a boy, whether you want it to be or not. I’m a very social person that made friends with people all across my age and there were very exceptionally few boys that didn’t play video games. Some didn’t have games or their parents wouldn’t let them play so they’d play at friends houses. Some kids became popular simply because they had video games and a nice tv to play on. Kids that didn’t play games at all were usually ostracized.
That’s all to say that video games were/are a core part of my life, and were for most boys I knew growing up. Often I made friends because of similar interests in games. I don’t identify as a “gamer” per se either. I played sports and participated in music programs in school, and I graduated from a great university and married the girl of my dreams. I love making friends and being out and about and talking to people wherever I go.
But I also play video games pretty often and did all growing up. Maybe my biggest lament is the removal of split screen on a lot of games that let people play together, because I agree it’s less social playing over voice chat. But there are also many friendships I’m able to maintain because we play games together, despite living long distances apart.
My brother isn’t much of a talker, but we do have video games in common and we talk about that and play games together often, even though he lives far away. My cousin was and remains one of my best friends in the world because I would walk to his house every day and either play basketball or video games, but mostly video games. I talk to him about meaningful things in our lives, and it’s a meaningful friendship. And when I saw him last Christmas? We played video games together on his couch like we used to when we were kids.
Essentially every one of my male friendships has a video games component, and that’s pretty dang normal (for Gen Z boys at least, although I’m doubtful much has changed). All this to say that video games absolutely have risks that I will be wary of when I have kids of my own, but an outright ban of them misunderstands boys in general I think.
I also grew up gaming. But Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, yeah, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
Here's another dragon our young men can help slay precisely by dumping video games: obesity.
Getting them out of their heads and into their bodies--that old mental-health canard--works wonders for physical health too. Swirling around in virtual muck may twiddle the brain but offers nothing in the way of real physical release, or joy in one's own body and capabilities...
Great question - If parents knew what their kids were actually doing on the games, they would toss them. Parents are in the dark when it comes to sexualized content in video games.
This is so important! We talk equally about video games and social media in our material. Modern free to play video games are also attention economy-based and optimized for engagement, and tap into boys' primal needs for war.
I was a boy, a jock even, yet I can't relate to some primal pull in the direction of war (or even fighting, although I grew up watching the fetishization of it via televised theatrical Pro Wrestling promotions & their storylines. Go figure! Loved pro-boxing for a while during Joe Frazier's reign as champion & the subversive persona of Cassius Clay into Muhammad Ali. But that "sport" got old fast and nothing ever brought my yootful interest back....
First, I think this is much more extreme than necessary. Not all kids are the same and I don’t think playing Fortnite or GTA is a sure sign you’ll have violent tendencies.
Second, you’re victim blaming. The younger generation is escaping into video games and social media because the older generations screwed everything up. You can’t go outside with friends without the cops getting called. There are no free public spaces, everything is expensive and/or dangerous.
I agree that escape isn’t healthy, but it’s not unjust. And fear mongering that video games are the problem ignores real issues in men’s mental health and society in general.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts—I appreciate you taking the time to write such an honest response. I agree with you on the key point: the world has changed in ways that make childhood more complicated, and yes, many young people are hurting. But that’s exactly why I take this issue so seriously.
When a developing brain is hurting, giving it an escape that rewires motivation, numbs natural rewards, and can hijack dopamine isn’t a solution—it’s a trap. I’m not saying every child who plays Fortnite becomes violent. What I am saying is that for many families, games and social media have quietly replaced critical experiences kids need to grow into healthy, resilient adults—time in real relationships, creative boredom, physical activity, and real-world problem solving.
I also want to gently push back on the “victim blaming” point. The families I work with aren’t blaming kids; they’re heartbroken for them. Many have watched sons and daughters lose years of their lives to digital worlds, dropping out of school, struggling with mental health, and retreating from real relationships. For them, this isn’t theory—it’s lived reality.
Of course, we must also address broader issues like access to safe spaces and support for young men. But doing that and protecting kids’ brains from addictive design aren’t mutually exclusive—they’re both essential. My goal is not to shame anyone, but to equip students, parents and educators with the science and support they need to help kids thrive in the real world.
I think things shifted during Covid - which has less to do with older generations screwing things up and more to do with being forced online to socialize - that was unprecedented. Think about it.
I noticed the huge shift. Once people got into the habit of being online and services adjusted to catering to that, going back to how things were stopped being an option.
Many social spaces shut down permanently - they didn't survive the forced lockdowns and restrictions.
I also grew up gaming. Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face. Now - people have anonymity to hide behind whilst they spew the nastiest things that come into their heads.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
But you're right, video games are an escape from pain and two things are happening there - one, the kids are left to manage that pain on their own and two, they're allowed to do it in a way that undermines their development and ability to handle difficulty. It also deprives them of the social skills to meet the very needs that are the core of their pain in the first place: their need for face-to-face meaningful social interactions.
I am a 48 year-old trans woman who was raised and socialized male, and that included video games. I like to think that gives me a unique perspective not too many others have the opportunity for. I share that perspective now for others to read.
My favorite game as a kid was "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?". Yeah, I'm a geography nerd. What else did I play as a kid, then teenager, then young adult? Series like Zork, Ultima, The Legend of Zelda, Elder Scrolls, and Final Fantasy. Look them up. Maybe even try them out! They are classics.
What do I still play, approaching five decades of life? Role-Playing Games (RPGs) such as Final Fantasy XIV. Strategy games such as Stellaris and Northrend.
I have a broad community of friends across the USA and internationally. We laugh together, we cry together, we cheer and share and joke and tease and love and learn. I met my partner through World of Warcraft, in a roleplaying guild that spent just as much time creating our own characters and stories as we did fighting virtual monsters.
This group of friends eagerly talks about games the way that most other people talk about sports or reality TV. We get creative, we learn things, we are inspired.
And yes, some play First-Person Shooter (FPS) games like Space Marine II or Helldivers II or Warframe. Not my cup of tea, to be sure, but I have a lot of fun watching them play, or just listening to the excited chatter in a voice channel and hearing their stories. I have even tried a few that I found I liked, such as The Division 2. I've also played and loved the Mass Effect trilogy, which has plenty of shooting bad guys but also a deep and engaging story.
My partner and I could spend (and have spent!) hours upon hours discussing the finer points of plotting and pacing in the story of Final Fantasy XIV, or the world-building of creating an empire in Stellaris with its particular chosen style of ethics, government, its strengths and weakness and how it relates to other empires that may be rivals or friends.
I have encouraged my peers and friends who have kids of their own that play video games to do the same thing mentioned here: sit down and watch their kids play their games of choice. Ask them questions. Prompt discussion. Show interest in their hobby. Share their feelings and concerns, and ask their kids for their own.
I advise they do this in the spirit of keeping the lines of communication open and encouraging others to share a little piece of themselves.
I discourage the notion that approaching games as some kind of dangerous, corrupting hobby, because if you catch them early enough, there's much less chance of them turning into the stereotypical "loner in the basement that never emerges into the light of day". I know few people like this who have become stunted adults. I pity them. I have tried to guide them away from such a lonely existence, but it takes more effort than I am able to give past a certain point.
If you react with disgust or fear, you will only harden their resolve to ignore you and others and claw themselves deeper.
The video game industry makes more money than sports, movies, and music—combined. It's not going away any time soon. It's not a perfect industry. There are some truly awful games out there, and some equally awful companies out there.
I think there are also some real gems out there, too. I'll leave readers to explore that on their own based on my thoughts and recommendations here.
Thank you for sharing your story! My focus is really on kids and teens, because that’s the age when developing brains are most vulnerable to losing balance, and when games can too easily replace critical real-world growth, relationships, and opportunities. I agree with you that staying connected, showing interest, and keeping communication open is key—that’s something I encourage parents to do, regardless of their child’s interests. Adults generally have a greater ability to keep perspective and have positive experiences with games, but my work highlights how much harder this is for children and adolescents. That’s where lasting damage can occur and where many parents don’t fully recognize just how powerful these effects can be. Nowhere in any of our material do we counsel parents to "react with disgust or fear." It is a simple life choice to replace gaming with other adventures; I think we can all agree that gaming is not a good fit for every child. I appreciate you adding your perspective to the conversation.
I watch my now 18yo son struggle for years. I've encouraged him to try RPG's -reminiscing about my own years of playing WoW and the fond memories I have of those times. He tends to gravitate towards Rust and those types. And the culture in those games is toxic af. I've watched him play, chatted with him about it. He sees it too - but he ignores the bad to cling to the little bit of what he enjoys about the game. It sucks to watch that and I've wound up taking a heavy hand to gaming and screen in our house as a result. I've also seen it suck the life out of him. He'd walk away from gaming sessions angry, disconnected, fried.
I used to think it was temperament. But seeing the rise in kids struggling the same way - emotionally dysregulated, socially isolated despite spending hours online gaming with others, become abusive and disrespectful when they might otherwise be kind, sensitive kids. That has me thinking that it's a culture shift.
And it is. Most certainly. Gaming is not the same as it was.
I also grew up gaming. But Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face. And when we played multiplayer games like WoW we had guilds - you generally couldn't get through the game without one and your experience largely depended on finding one that you gelled with. And that guild became your family. They called you out when you were a sht and they had your back when someone else was acting like one.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
Thank you for this resource! I’m curious, is there any distinction in the research about the *types* of games? My husband and I are gamers ourselves, have bonded over games and play games together to unwind the way other couples watch movies together. Now we have kids and are navigating how to approach this with them. We want to share the stories and characters we fell in love with and bond over with our kids but also are trying to be cognizant of the risks. Are there any resources around this? It’s hard for us as gamers ourselves who never reached the addiction point to blanket all games together as bad. We don’t play MMOs or FPS’s but more classic story based / puzzle based games like Zelda or Mario or Pokemon. Do those carry the same risks as Fortnite or Grand Theft Auto?
That’s such a great question, and I really appreciate the way you framed it. You’re exactly right that not all games are created equal—just like every other form of media, there are distinctions. It’s the same as comparing Mr. Rogers to a horror flick: both are television, but they carry very different content and impacts.
With kids, though, there’s an extra layer of risk. Adults use screen media in very different ways from children. A child’s brain is still developing, and once they get hooked—even on a nonviolent, story-based game—it can be tough for them to step away. Peer culture makes this even trickier because many of their friends are “living” in those gaming worlds, and that pressure can pull them in further.
And here’s another challenge: once kids get their feet wet with “safe” or nonviolent games, it’s very common for them to start begging for the next, more intense option. That’s simply how the brain works—it craves novelty and more stimulation. So even if the entry point feels innocent, it often opens the door to harder-to-control games down the road.
So, the real issue isn’t just content; it’s content plus time. The earlier a child gets “bitten by the gaming bug,” the more likely it is for habits of overuse, dependency, and even addiction to take root. For this reason, games that may seem benign or relaxing to an adult can still pose risks to kids, especially during those critical developmental years.
I’ll affirm your instinct here: bonding through games as adults is very different than introducing them to kids. Children are more vulnerable to the pull regardless of the genre. Hope some of this helps!
Melanie, do you not know any fully functioning adult men that are addicted gamers that neglect their wives and children?? I disagree that it is different with adults. It was a huge problem with my first marriage and has been a huge problem for my daughters and sisters with their husbands. Gaming is just as much as a destroyer of adults as kids. It affects your sec life because you don't go to bed together, because the game is gaming. They don't get enough sleep because if gaming and are grumpy. They rush through eating with the family to get back to the game. It is toxic for all ages.
Thank you so much for sharing this—I hear you, and you’re absolutely right. Gaming can and does damage marriages, intimacy, and family life for adults, too. I know many wives and children who carry deep wounds because a husband or father was consumed by a gaming addiction. You are not alone in that experience.
My focus is on kids and teens because that’s the age when the brain is most vulnerable, when habits take root, and when gaming too easily replaces critical real-world growth. But that doesn’t mean adults are immune. In fact, you just described exactly what I hear from so many families—sleep disruption, emotional distance, resentment, and a pattern where gaming crowds out the real relationships that matter most.
Thank you again for speaking up. Stories like yours remind us why this conversation is so important—because the fallout isn’t just about kids, it touches entire families.
One way to distinguish this could be by using age as the barrier.
You can say, "The gaming we do as your parents is not bad, but it is for adults."
When they ask for TV or if they can have a tablet, etc., I tell my kids, "A child's most important job is to play" (Maria Montessori quote), and that anything that keeps them from actively playing is not for kids. Doesn't mean it's "bad," but it's not for kids. (When I say play, I mean non-screen, physically active, imaginative play coming from within the child's inner world that occurs in the physical world.
I do like your idea of vetting a small number of games that you believe are appropriate for children or teenagers that you have played through yourself, keeping Melanie's insight in mind that kids' brains are more vulnerable than adults'. Just like having a channel (PBS) or film list in mind that you personally do not mind your children engaging with. If it were capped in this way, I could see how a family could have a healthy, happy approach, especially in the context of the vast majority of your lives not being about a game.
I really respect that you are a gamer yourself, but still willing to look at this issue head-on. I respect that a ton. Good for you and good luck.
Not sure if this adds context for anyone but: I was obsessed with video games from ages 7-19. I eventually grew out of it, but some people don’t. Hard to say why. I think when video games became social events - hopping on a game to talk with friends - the lines started to get really blurred. I aged out of video games right before Twitch really, REALLY took off and streamers became global sensations.
This post is rightly getting much response. As it should. Melanie, this post both frightened and angered me. Of course, I know that video games are all about killing and sex, but I did not fully understand the depth of this problem until reading your analysis and until listening to Adam's video testimonials. It is frightening that boys are sucked so ruthlessly into these gaming communities. It is frightening to me that some/many/most parents do not even know that this is happening to their sons. It angers me that the video gaming industry essentially exploits the boys of our country through addiction. It angers me that more parents are not putting an end to this gaming. What good comes from it?! None, in my mind. THANK YOU for sounding the alarm. THANK YOU for suggesting positive alternatives, as you ALWAYS do. THANK YOU for considering a book by this same name. We need to get THE BASEMENT GENERATION out of the basement and into the real world or flourishing relationships and work! Come on, gamers! You can do better!
Reminds me of how I came to value & appreciate that my folks barred me and my sister from watching any TV on school days and their nights. Hated that, cuz I got hooked on TV over the weekends, even though I was a jock and more prone to be out at schoolyard shooting hoops or playing tackle football in the snow.
No regrets and if I had any kids I'd try and convince my partner to apply same house rules (if we had a home to live in. I've come to recognize the Normalized Homelessness around US in this wealthiest nation-state, if most stratified, in human his\herstory).
PUSH (2019) Documentary on Housing Crisis in Modern Cities | Interview
Leilani Farha discusses with Swedish film director Frederick Gertten
Brave New Hollywood
"Interview with PUSH, documentary film director, Fredrik Gertten and Fmr. UN rapporteur on adequate housing, Leilani Farha. They talk about the film's search for answers as they traveled around the world to meet and speak with renters, local leaders, and homeowners about this alarming new phenomenon. Interviewed by Brave New Hollywood's Henrick Vartanian.
"Leilani Farha is now the Director at The Shift, a global movement to secure the human right to housing."
"Directed by Fredrik Gertten, PUSH examines the skyrocketing cost of housing and the commodification of housing by global investment funds which can push people into poverty, stripped of fundamental rights, and making the metropolitan cities unaffordable and unlivable. unlivable."
"Winner of multiple international film awards, PUSH the film is playing now in New York and Los Angeles theaters virtually and you can help support and host a screening in your city by going to the film's official website."
"Released by WG Film
Directed by Fredrik Gertten
Cast: Leilani Farha, Saskia Sassen, Joseph Stiglitz (Nobel Laureate in Economy), Roberto Saviano (Italian filmmaker, GOMORRAH) "
I appreciate you putting thought into this issue, but the outcomes of my lived experience as someone who grew up playing the sorts of games you call out being so different from the concerns you point to makes it a hard hypothesis for me to agree with.
I'm in my forties and was an early adopter of "violent" online video games. I played Quake on PC at 12-13 and moved through the others as the industry evolved. Grand theft auto and Battlefield in high school, then call of duty and halo throughout college. And WoW, so much WoW. And dozens of others games, many not explicitly violent.
I played these games with all kinds of friends from straight arrows to burnouts to dropouts. But never did I get the impression that the games themselves were directing their decisions as a larger part of their personalities or life goals. The kids in high school that didn't care about school, didn't care regardless of the games they played. If they weren't skipping school to play games, they'd just be skipping to watch movies or hang out in parking lots.
In college, at an elite school, all my friends played these games with most of their Free time, but by virtue of getting into the college, they were all straight A students in high school. A few ended up getting poor grades because they say and played games and smoked pot all day instead. But by and large they balanced work with pawning newbs.
As an adult, I don't pay game nearly as often (got a baby to look after), but most of my childless male friends still play a lot of online games. But rather than being violent lazy vagrants, they're by and large successfull professionals. They are upper level Engineers, actuaries, corporate directors, etc. they just happen to like to play video games in their free time.
So, maybe on a larger analysis there is a statistic that points to an affect from these violent video games, but experientially as someone who has lived the life of a gamer, the concerns you outline just never materialized.
That is great news that you're aware of different outcomes. However, many teens and young people are suffering from gaming addiction - there are many treatment centers for the addiction as well. It is not a hypothesis that young people are suffering from this problem; it is a fact. Of course, not everyone will suffer, just as not everyone will get cancer if they smoke. We need to raise awareness to help those in need.
Thanks for writing this. Just wanted to leave my two cents, since I was basically the kid you're talking about here. (warning: lots of yapping ahead)
First off: my experience with video game addiction
From age 12 onward, I played at least 3-4 hours of video games a day, and spent my summers from 16+ (when I stopped having any interest in summer camps) playing 12+ hours of video games a day. I would call it a flow blown addiction by that point for sure. My parents mostly just let me do it, because it was one of the only things I enjoyed, and I was always a high achiever and straight-A student.
By junior year of high school I had fallen into a deep depression. I had no friends at school, little interest in girls (or anything else), no goals, and no hope. One thing that I think is worth pointing out is that at this stage of the addiction you don't really feel any joy from the game either. You're just getting a fix and taking the edge off, but you feel just as depressed, angry, and isolated while you're playing as while you're not. The stimulation of the game just kind of makes you numb.
As a coping mechanism, (once I was at college and didn't have any guardrails on my behavior), I started to swing really far to a different kind of harmful behavior: drugs, drinking, partying, I guess I was trying to make up for lost time as far as socializing goes. By week 3 of my freshman semester, I was day-drinking and skipping class. I dropped out by October.
My game of choice was (is) Rocket League, which is definitely a far cry from the GTAV/Fortnites of the world and doesn't have any sexual content or violence. That said, the chat on any online multiplayer game is absolutely heinous. I regularly had people telling me to kill myself or that I was worthless over a video game at age 12/13. That's not even to mention the profanity, racism, and sexism that is widespread in online games. Honestly, the chat is far worse than any of the game content. Rocket League is E rated, by the way.
And if the in-game chat is bad, Discord is even worse. Totally unregulated, anonymous voice chat. The worst things that I said and that people said to me, were all over discord. (for girls especially, there is also a lot of predatory behavior on discord, too).
secondly: in defense of gaming not being completely horrible
After I hit rock bottom at 18 (impressive, I know), I decided to get my life together. I started going to the gym, I got a factory temp job, and started going to community college. There, I made the best social decision of my life: joining the esports club. There, we played games with all the structure and positive community of actual sports (minus the physical benefits, admittedly). I formed a close bond with some of my teammates that outlasted our time playing there together.
The one saving grace of my years-long Rocket League addiction is that I was, in fact, really really good at Rocket League. Good enough that I ended up being able to get a 50% ride to a four-year school after I graduated community college, and continued to have a strong community and close friends through esports. I even met my now-fiancee through the esports program there.
I'm able to stay close with old friends that live in different states because we still hop on the game together and chat when we have free time. I was a social outcast before I started gaming, and though it isolated me at first, I did find a legitimate (and in-person) sense of community through gaming eventually.
Also, gaming got me interested in making games, which got me interested in computer science, which I am now about to complete my Master's degree in. Gaming did a lot of damage to me, but it also ended up being a huge positive influence. I don't really play games much any more, about 4-6 hours a week (that's still a lot, but reasonable for a hobby). Would I have been a "better" person without video games at all? Maybe, probably, but its the only life I've lived. I don't resent my parents or myself for it.
There were two things that my parents did that helped me immensely from becoming a full-blown dysfunctional basement dweller. Firstly, my parents never let us play games in our rooms, only in a shared space (until my constant pestering and carefully crafted arguments about needing my own space convinced them by the time I was 16). Secondly, I never stopped playing sports, even at the peak of my addiction. Those two things made a huge difference in the long run.
I don't have any specific conclusions, I just thought that those of you who are parents might be interested in one kid's perspective.
Thanks for sharing your experience. A lot of parents do not know what goes on in the in-game chats and on Discord. I'm glad that you were able to come out of your period of heavy use; your comments about depression are particularly moving because we know that the games contribute to that. So many boys cannot escape that cycle, and those are the people ScreenStrong is trying to help.
Melanie, awesome article. I have a friend who's son died by suicide while gaming. When they found him, it was obvious he had been gaming, and he took a picture of himself, smiling, as he put his head in the rope he had hung up. My friend is an incredible mother, her husband is an ER Dr. It can happen to anyone. I wonder if this poor kid was living"in" the game? Had he lost sense of all reality? Was he trying to kill himself? Did he think he would come back to life? He was in his senior year. My question is when are you taking your mission to congress? The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk was by a gamer. I feel like this part of the assassination has been enormously over looked. Everyone is focused on his political and sexual preferences. I have no doubt those played a role too, but what about the gaming???? He inscribed gaming stuff on the shells!!! Why aren't we talking about what games he played, how many hours a day, for how many years?? Melanie, you have educated me so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me keep my two boys, 8 and 12, free from gaming.
Melanie and I always look for that gaming connection, and, unfortunately, we haven't seen an instance when it wasn't there. The killer at Covenant School was even dressed like a particular figure in a video game. I am so sorry about your friend's son. This is what ScreenStrong is trying to prevent. And, as to getting to Congress, Melanie is always trying to spread the ScreenStrong message wherever she can. Ideas as to how to get there?
I wish I knew how to contact congress!!!! But I am just a humble homeschool mom. I am just so grateful for Melanie. I didn't know that the gaming connecting is always there. Yet NO ONE in the media talks about it, regardless of the kind of media.
We understand how large the investment of the gaming companies is in every form of media. "The global video game industry is a billion-dollar business and has been for many years. In 2024, the revenue from the worldwide gaming market was estimated at almost 455 billion U.S. dollars, with the mobile gaming market generating an estimated 98.7 billion U.S. dollars of the total." From Statista.com. That represents a lot of advertising revenue for all platforms. From Forbes: "Global revenue generated by the gaming industry is greater than the global revenue generated by the music and movie industries combined. Here are some industry statistics to help you digest that statement:
• In 2022, the global gaming industry generated an estimated $184.4 billion.
• In 2022, the global recorded music industry generated $26.2 billion.
• In 2022, the global movie industry generated $26 billion in box office revenue." So how do you get the word out when everywhere they have an interest in seeing gaming grow?
I found a lot of the information in this article very helpful, but at parts, it became difficult to separate well-researched, proven observations or guidelines from the author's opinion. I am also very wary of any video games, but an all-out ban until a child leaves the home doesn't seem like the best solution to me. Are there resources, research, or guidelines for ages when it might be ok to introduce a small amount of video games that the family plays together? Or that friends can play together in a common area of the home?
I'd also be very interested to have some sources for this quote,
"Just 30 minutes a day or a few hours on the weekend triggers dopamine spikes that make the brain crave more all week long, draining interest in real-life activities."
This has been my instinct, but I have not been able to find any neuroscience to substantiate it. I'd be very interested to dive deeper into sources that discuss it.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. My goal is always to translate what we know from neuroscience into practical guardrails for families. I also want to point out that video games are not mandatory for kids/teens, and that they are not for every child. We don't frame our solutions as a negative ban; rather, we present them as a positive lifestyle choice with numerous benefits.
On bans versus moderation: not every family takes the same approach. What research does show is that younger brains are especially vulnerable to fast-paced, high-reward digital play. Even short sessions can trigger reward pathways in ways that make it harder for some kids to sustain interest in slower, real-world activities. That doesn’t mean every child will be equally affected, but it does mean parents should be cautious.
As for dopamine and the prefrontal cortex (PFC), fast, frequent rewards can overwhelm the brain’s self-control circuits. Studies show that 10–20 minutes of violent or action gaming can reduce activity in the PFC (responsible for attention and impulse control) while increasing activity in emotional/arousal regions. The PFC is known to be especially vulnerable under stress, high arousal, and dopamine surges, which gaming often triggers. Prolonged high-reward play can weaken frontal control, a finding well supported by research.
My goal is not to alarm, but to provide parents with the clearest picture of risks so they can make informed decisions, recognize warning signs, and realize that gaming is not a necessary or mandatory activity.
References for further reading:
BrainFacts / Society for Neuroscience. (2021). How Playing Video Games Affects Your Brain.
Datta, D., & Arnsten, A. F. T. (2019). Loss of Prefrontal Cortical Higher Cognition with Uncontrollable Stress. Brain Sciences.
Sussman, C. (2017). Digital Addictions: A Family Guide to Prevention, Signs, and Treatment. Children and Screens.
Weinstein, A. (2017). Neurocognitive mechanisms of Internet Gaming Disorder. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 269.
Montag, C., & Walla, P. (2016). Carving the Internet Addiction Spectrum into Distinct Disorders and Subtypes. Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment, 12.
Christakis, D. A. (2019). The Challenges of Defining and Studying ‘Digital Addiction’ in Children. JAMA Pediatrics, 173(10), 922–923.
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2022). Family Media Plan.
Some of these resources may be helpful. ScreenStrong definitely has sources for all of this information. https://screenstrong.org/videogames/ might be the place to start. Melanie Hempe, the founder and the author of this piece, has done a deep dive on all the research that's out there. This may be what she needs to feature in an upcoming substack. But I know she refers to it in some of her books.
Having witnessed this firsthand in my own family, thank you so much. I was so disappointed when The Anxious Generation took what I felt was a very light-touch approach to the gaming issue with boys.
Like you, no parent sets out to harm their child. But here we are.
Eat fast food regularly, and real food tastes like cardboard. Eat real food regularly, and fast food tastes weird, fake, and heavy. The same principles apply to internet enmeshment. The more online you are, the more real life feels boring. The more offline you live, the more the internet is perhaps useful, but not that interesting, and not addictive.
Thanks to Melanie, we now know the science of dopamine, helping us explain these experiences we have all had.
Thank you for sharing this—I really resonate with your analogy and your perspective. We’ve seen the same patterns in families: the more kids get pulled into screens, the less satisfying real life feels, but the more time they spend unplugged, the richer and more appealing real life becomes.
I also share your concern that gaming—especially for boys—gets less attention than it deserves in these broader conversations. At ScreenStrong, we focus a lot of energy on video gaming, as I believe it is, in many ways, more harmful than smartphones, even though that is hard to believe. We’ve seen firsthand how powerful it is when families understand the dopamine science behind this, and how much hope there is when parents are given the tools to help their kids step back into real life.
I so appreciate your thoughtful comment and the way you put this into words.
Monica, I am better informed now and did not notice that The Anxious Generation soft-pedaled the gaming issue. I say NO GAMING. PERIOD. FOR ANYONE. EVER. As an educator of 45 years and counting, I have been changed my position on technology after reading all of Melanie's excellent writings. I say NO TECH for students in school. Let the teacher use a laptop or desktop computer as a resource. But let's go OLD SCHOOL with paper and pencil or pen. The research indicates significantly better learning that way, and students must not have such easy 1-to-1 access to Artificial Intelligence for the purposes of cheating. In-class writing. In-class quizzes. Flipping the classroom, ask students to watch VALUABLE educational videos at home under the supervision of their parents, and test/quiz the students in the classroom.
Thank you for mentioning Fortnite and Minecraft, seemingly innocuous games which many parents believe pose no risk to kids--many parents are convinced that the problems only come later and will be clearly visible as their kids enter their teens. But these "kiddie" games act as digital gateway drugs, teaching boys early on that rewards are gained easily in video games at the expense of tough, but vital, real-world tasks. Just as we are pushing back the age when kids get smartphones, it's time we do the same with gaming.
THANK YOU, Richard! You have done years of work in this space, and I couldn’t agree more. These so-called “kiddie games” absolutely set the stage for long-term problems. Parents often underestimate them, but they serve as the training ground for bigger struggles down the road. We do need to bring this issue back to the forefront of the conversation. Many families are silently struggling with gaming, yet their struggles are often overlooked in today’s discussions about smartphones. Let's fix that.
I'm just gonna restack the whole essay now, after shorter bits, because this is something parents are painfully unaware of. I think that gaming addiction is especially dangerous to highly sensitive kids, who already feel everything so intensely, are quick to withdraw from the world when they feel misunderstood, and they do plenty of time. Thank you for writing it!
Clearly you have strong experiences in this regard that are impactful to you, but I don’t feel like this piece understands the experiences of boys growing up or the nuances of video games.
I think parents should definitely be careful with how their kids interact with games, but completely removing them doesn’t make sense either. To be clear, almost all of those nice, well adjusted 20-something men you see around also played video games their whole time growing up.
Video games are a medium like movies or tv and parents should absolutely regulate what kind of things their kids consume, I think that’s absolutely fair. There were certain games my parents didn’t let me play until I was a bit older, and my parents did have rules about communicating with strangers online in games (or even listening) that I think was tremendously helpful to me.
With that said, I played video games quite a bit growing up and it absolutely is a large part of the social fabric as a boy, whether you want it to be or not. I’m a very social person that made friends with people all across my age and there were very exceptionally few boys that didn’t play video games. Some didn’t have games or their parents wouldn’t let them play so they’d play at friends houses. Some kids became popular simply because they had video games and a nice tv to play on. Kids that didn’t play games at all were usually ostracized.
That’s all to say that video games were/are a core part of my life, and were for most boys I knew growing up. Often I made friends because of similar interests in games. I don’t identify as a “gamer” per se either. I played sports and participated in music programs in school, and I graduated from a great university and married the girl of my dreams. I love making friends and being out and about and talking to people wherever I go.
But I also play video games pretty often and did all growing up. Maybe my biggest lament is the removal of split screen on a lot of games that let people play together, because I agree it’s less social playing over voice chat. But there are also many friendships I’m able to maintain because we play games together, despite living long distances apart.
My brother isn’t much of a talker, but we do have video games in common and we talk about that and play games together often, even though he lives far away. My cousin was and remains one of my best friends in the world because I would walk to his house every day and either play basketball or video games, but mostly video games. I talk to him about meaningful things in our lives, and it’s a meaningful friendship. And when I saw him last Christmas? We played video games together on his couch like we used to when we were kids.
Essentially every one of my male friendships has a video games component, and that’s pretty dang normal (for Gen Z boys at least, although I’m doubtful much has changed). All this to say that video games absolutely have risks that I will be wary of when I have kids of my own, but an outright ban of them misunderstands boys in general I think.
I also grew up gaming. But Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, yeah, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
And that's sad.
Such a thoughtful essay.
Here's another dragon our young men can help slay precisely by dumping video games: obesity.
Getting them out of their heads and into their bodies--that old mental-health canard--works wonders for physical health too. Swirling around in virtual muck may twiddle the brain but offers nothing in the way of real physical release, or joy in one's own body and capabilities...
Why does everyone ignore the moral injury to boys of sexualized content? Crazy. These video game shave been a problem since 2002.
Great question - If parents knew what their kids were actually doing on the games, they would toss them. Parents are in the dark when it comes to sexualized content in video games.
This is so important! We talk equally about video games and social media in our material. Modern free to play video games are also attention economy-based and optimized for engagement, and tap into boys' primal needs for war.
I was a boy, a jock even, yet I can't relate to some primal pull in the direction of war (or even fighting, although I grew up watching the fetishization of it via televised theatrical Pro Wrestling promotions & their storylines. Go figure! Loved pro-boxing for a while during Joe Frazier's reign as champion & the subversive persona of Cassius Clay into Muhammad Ali. But that "sport" got old fast and nothing ever brought my yootful interest back....
Tio Mitchito
First, I think this is much more extreme than necessary. Not all kids are the same and I don’t think playing Fortnite or GTA is a sure sign you’ll have violent tendencies.
Second, you’re victim blaming. The younger generation is escaping into video games and social media because the older generations screwed everything up. You can’t go outside with friends without the cops getting called. There are no free public spaces, everything is expensive and/or dangerous.
I agree that escape isn’t healthy, but it’s not unjust. And fear mongering that video games are the problem ignores real issues in men’s mental health and society in general.
Just my two cents.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts—I appreciate you taking the time to write such an honest response. I agree with you on the key point: the world has changed in ways that make childhood more complicated, and yes, many young people are hurting. But that’s exactly why I take this issue so seriously.
When a developing brain is hurting, giving it an escape that rewires motivation, numbs natural rewards, and can hijack dopamine isn’t a solution—it’s a trap. I’m not saying every child who plays Fortnite becomes violent. What I am saying is that for many families, games and social media have quietly replaced critical experiences kids need to grow into healthy, resilient adults—time in real relationships, creative boredom, physical activity, and real-world problem solving.
I also want to gently push back on the “victim blaming” point. The families I work with aren’t blaming kids; they’re heartbroken for them. Many have watched sons and daughters lose years of their lives to digital worlds, dropping out of school, struggling with mental health, and retreating from real relationships. For them, this isn’t theory—it’s lived reality.
Of course, we must also address broader issues like access to safe spaces and support for young men. But doing that and protecting kids’ brains from addictive design aren’t mutually exclusive—they’re both essential. My goal is not to shame anyone, but to equip students, parents and educators with the science and support they need to help kids thrive in the real world.
I think things shifted during Covid - which has less to do with older generations screwing things up and more to do with being forced online to socialize - that was unprecedented. Think about it.
I noticed the huge shift. Once people got into the habit of being online and services adjusted to catering to that, going back to how things were stopped being an option.
Many social spaces shut down permanently - they didn't survive the forced lockdowns and restrictions.
I also grew up gaming. Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face. Now - people have anonymity to hide behind whilst they spew the nastiest things that come into their heads.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
But you're right, video games are an escape from pain and two things are happening there - one, the kids are left to manage that pain on their own and two, they're allowed to do it in a way that undermines their development and ability to handle difficulty. It also deprives them of the social skills to meet the very needs that are the core of their pain in the first place: their need for face-to-face meaningful social interactions.
I am a 48 year-old trans woman who was raised and socialized male, and that included video games. I like to think that gives me a unique perspective not too many others have the opportunity for. I share that perspective now for others to read.
My favorite game as a kid was "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?". Yeah, I'm a geography nerd. What else did I play as a kid, then teenager, then young adult? Series like Zork, Ultima, The Legend of Zelda, Elder Scrolls, and Final Fantasy. Look them up. Maybe even try them out! They are classics.
What do I still play, approaching five decades of life? Role-Playing Games (RPGs) such as Final Fantasy XIV. Strategy games such as Stellaris and Northrend.
I have a broad community of friends across the USA and internationally. We laugh together, we cry together, we cheer and share and joke and tease and love and learn. I met my partner through World of Warcraft, in a roleplaying guild that spent just as much time creating our own characters and stories as we did fighting virtual monsters.
This group of friends eagerly talks about games the way that most other people talk about sports or reality TV. We get creative, we learn things, we are inspired.
And yes, some play First-Person Shooter (FPS) games like Space Marine II or Helldivers II or Warframe. Not my cup of tea, to be sure, but I have a lot of fun watching them play, or just listening to the excited chatter in a voice channel and hearing their stories. I have even tried a few that I found I liked, such as The Division 2. I've also played and loved the Mass Effect trilogy, which has plenty of shooting bad guys but also a deep and engaging story.
My partner and I could spend (and have spent!) hours upon hours discussing the finer points of plotting and pacing in the story of Final Fantasy XIV, or the world-building of creating an empire in Stellaris with its particular chosen style of ethics, government, its strengths and weakness and how it relates to other empires that may be rivals or friends.
I have encouraged my peers and friends who have kids of their own that play video games to do the same thing mentioned here: sit down and watch their kids play their games of choice. Ask them questions. Prompt discussion. Show interest in their hobby. Share their feelings and concerns, and ask their kids for their own.
I advise they do this in the spirit of keeping the lines of communication open and encouraging others to share a little piece of themselves.
I discourage the notion that approaching games as some kind of dangerous, corrupting hobby, because if you catch them early enough, there's much less chance of them turning into the stereotypical "loner in the basement that never emerges into the light of day". I know few people like this who have become stunted adults. I pity them. I have tried to guide them away from such a lonely existence, but it takes more effort than I am able to give past a certain point.
If you react with disgust or fear, you will only harden their resolve to ignore you and others and claw themselves deeper.
The video game industry makes more money than sports, movies, and music—combined. It's not going away any time soon. It's not a perfect industry. There are some truly awful games out there, and some equally awful companies out there.
I think there are also some real gems out there, too. I'll leave readers to explore that on their own based on my thoughts and recommendations here.
Your move. :)
Thank you for sharing your story! My focus is really on kids and teens, because that’s the age when developing brains are most vulnerable to losing balance, and when games can too easily replace critical real-world growth, relationships, and opportunities. I agree with you that staying connected, showing interest, and keeping communication open is key—that’s something I encourage parents to do, regardless of their child’s interests. Adults generally have a greater ability to keep perspective and have positive experiences with games, but my work highlights how much harder this is for children and adolescents. That’s where lasting damage can occur and where many parents don’t fully recognize just how powerful these effects can be. Nowhere in any of our material do we counsel parents to "react with disgust or fear." It is a simple life choice to replace gaming with other adventures; I think we can all agree that gaming is not a good fit for every child. I appreciate you adding your perspective to the conversation.
I watch my now 18yo son struggle for years. I've encouraged him to try RPG's -reminiscing about my own years of playing WoW and the fond memories I have of those times. He tends to gravitate towards Rust and those types. And the culture in those games is toxic af. I've watched him play, chatted with him about it. He sees it too - but he ignores the bad to cling to the little bit of what he enjoys about the game. It sucks to watch that and I've wound up taking a heavy hand to gaming and screen in our house as a result. I've also seen it suck the life out of him. He'd walk away from gaming sessions angry, disconnected, fried.
I used to think it was temperament. But seeing the rise in kids struggling the same way - emotionally dysregulated, socially isolated despite spending hours online gaming with others, become abusive and disrespectful when they might otherwise be kind, sensitive kids. That has me thinking that it's a culture shift.
And it is. Most certainly. Gaming is not the same as it was.
I also grew up gaming. But Gaming was different when I was growing up. Social media and youtube didn't exist the way it does now and gaming doesn't exist now without social media.
Games are also different now than they were.
Now, they are more addictive by nature. And due to the effects of social media, are full of impacted people behaving in harmful and often dangerous ways. It's no longer "for the love of gaming, enjoyed by a niche group of people" and is now a place where all kinds go including the bullies and predators (and predators come in all types).
When I grey up, we had split screen console gaming and we had LAN parties where we brought our pc's together to game in the same room. If someone was acting like a jerk, you could confront them face to face. And when we played multiplayer games like WoW we had guilds - you generally couldn't get through the game without one and your experience largely depended on finding one that you gelled with. And that guild became your family. They called you out when you were a sht and they had your back when someone else was acting like one.
The culture is not the same. Not even close. Not even a little.
And that's sad.
Thank you for this resource! I’m curious, is there any distinction in the research about the *types* of games? My husband and I are gamers ourselves, have bonded over games and play games together to unwind the way other couples watch movies together. Now we have kids and are navigating how to approach this with them. We want to share the stories and characters we fell in love with and bond over with our kids but also are trying to be cognizant of the risks. Are there any resources around this? It’s hard for us as gamers ourselves who never reached the addiction point to blanket all games together as bad. We don’t play MMOs or FPS’s but more classic story based / puzzle based games like Zelda or Mario or Pokemon. Do those carry the same risks as Fortnite or Grand Theft Auto?
That’s such a great question, and I really appreciate the way you framed it. You’re exactly right that not all games are created equal—just like every other form of media, there are distinctions. It’s the same as comparing Mr. Rogers to a horror flick: both are television, but they carry very different content and impacts.
With kids, though, there’s an extra layer of risk. Adults use screen media in very different ways from children. A child’s brain is still developing, and once they get hooked—even on a nonviolent, story-based game—it can be tough for them to step away. Peer culture makes this even trickier because many of their friends are “living” in those gaming worlds, and that pressure can pull them in further.
And here’s another challenge: once kids get their feet wet with “safe” or nonviolent games, it’s very common for them to start begging for the next, more intense option. That’s simply how the brain works—it craves novelty and more stimulation. So even if the entry point feels innocent, it often opens the door to harder-to-control games down the road.
So, the real issue isn’t just content; it’s content plus time. The earlier a child gets “bitten by the gaming bug,” the more likely it is for habits of overuse, dependency, and even addiction to take root. For this reason, games that may seem benign or relaxing to an adult can still pose risks to kids, especially during those critical developmental years.
I’ll affirm your instinct here: bonding through games as adults is very different than introducing them to kids. Children are more vulnerable to the pull regardless of the genre. Hope some of this helps!
Melanie, do you not know any fully functioning adult men that are addicted gamers that neglect their wives and children?? I disagree that it is different with adults. It was a huge problem with my first marriage and has been a huge problem for my daughters and sisters with their husbands. Gaming is just as much as a destroyer of adults as kids. It affects your sec life because you don't go to bed together, because the game is gaming. They don't get enough sleep because if gaming and are grumpy. They rush through eating with the family to get back to the game. It is toxic for all ages.
Thank you so much for sharing this—I hear you, and you’re absolutely right. Gaming can and does damage marriages, intimacy, and family life for adults, too. I know many wives and children who carry deep wounds because a husband or father was consumed by a gaming addiction. You are not alone in that experience.
My focus is on kids and teens because that’s the age when the brain is most vulnerable, when habits take root, and when gaming too easily replaces critical real-world growth. But that doesn’t mean adults are immune. In fact, you just described exactly what I hear from so many families—sleep disruption, emotional distance, resentment, and a pattern where gaming crowds out the real relationships that matter most.
Thank you again for speaking up. Stories like yours remind us why this conversation is so important—because the fallout isn’t just about kids, it touches entire families.
One way to distinguish this could be by using age as the barrier.
You can say, "The gaming we do as your parents is not bad, but it is for adults."
When they ask for TV or if they can have a tablet, etc., I tell my kids, "A child's most important job is to play" (Maria Montessori quote), and that anything that keeps them from actively playing is not for kids. Doesn't mean it's "bad," but it's not for kids. (When I say play, I mean non-screen, physically active, imaginative play coming from within the child's inner world that occurs in the physical world.
I do like your idea of vetting a small number of games that you believe are appropriate for children or teenagers that you have played through yourself, keeping Melanie's insight in mind that kids' brains are more vulnerable than adults'. Just like having a channel (PBS) or film list in mind that you personally do not mind your children engaging with. If it were capped in this way, I could see how a family could have a healthy, happy approach, especially in the context of the vast majority of your lives not being about a game.
I really respect that you are a gamer yourself, but still willing to look at this issue head-on. I respect that a ton. Good for you and good luck.
Not sure if this adds context for anyone but: I was obsessed with video games from ages 7-19. I eventually grew out of it, but some people don’t. Hard to say why. I think when video games became social events - hopping on a game to talk with friends - the lines started to get really blurred. I aged out of video games right before Twitch really, REALLY took off and streamers became global sensations.
This post is rightly getting much response. As it should. Melanie, this post both frightened and angered me. Of course, I know that video games are all about killing and sex, but I did not fully understand the depth of this problem until reading your analysis and until listening to Adam's video testimonials. It is frightening that boys are sucked so ruthlessly into these gaming communities. It is frightening to me that some/many/most parents do not even know that this is happening to their sons. It angers me that the video gaming industry essentially exploits the boys of our country through addiction. It angers me that more parents are not putting an end to this gaming. What good comes from it?! None, in my mind. THANK YOU for sounding the alarm. THANK YOU for suggesting positive alternatives, as you ALWAYS do. THANK YOU for considering a book by this same name. We need to get THE BASEMENT GENERATION out of the basement and into the real world or flourishing relationships and work! Come on, gamers! You can do better!
Reminds me of how I came to value & appreciate that my folks barred me and my sister from watching any TV on school days and their nights. Hated that, cuz I got hooked on TV over the weekends, even though I was a jock and more prone to be out at schoolyard shooting hoops or playing tackle football in the snow.
No regrets and if I had any kids I'd try and convince my partner to apply same house rules (if we had a home to live in. I've come to recognize the Normalized Homelessness around US in this wealthiest nation-state, if most stratified, in human his\herstory).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4-VORQZ1-Q
PUSH (2019) Documentary on Housing Crisis in Modern Cities | Interview
Leilani Farha discusses with Swedish film director Frederick Gertten
Brave New Hollywood
"Interview with PUSH, documentary film director, Fredrik Gertten and Fmr. UN rapporteur on adequate housing, Leilani Farha. They talk about the film's search for answers as they traveled around the world to meet and speak with renters, local leaders, and homeowners about this alarming new phenomenon. Interviewed by Brave New Hollywood's Henrick Vartanian.
#affordablehousing #realestate #documentary #maketheshift #renters "
"Leilani Farha is now the Director at The Shift, a global movement to secure the human right to housing."
"Directed by Fredrik Gertten, PUSH examines the skyrocketing cost of housing and the commodification of housing by global investment funds which can push people into poverty, stripped of fundamental rights, and making the metropolitan cities unaffordable and unlivable. unlivable."
"Winner of multiple international film awards, PUSH the film is playing now in New York and Los Angeles theaters virtually and you can help support and host a screening in your city by going to the film's official website."
"Released by WG Film
Directed by Fredrik Gertten
Cast: Leilani Farha, Saskia Sassen, Joseph Stiglitz (Nobel Laureate in Economy), Roberto Saviano (Italian filmmaker, GOMORRAH) "
Via
Tio Mitchito ™
Mitch Ritter\Paradigm Sifters, Code Shifters, PsalmSong Chasers
Lay-Low Studios, Ore-Wa (Refuge of A-Tone-ment Seekers)
Media Discussion List\Looksee
I appreciate you putting thought into this issue, but the outcomes of my lived experience as someone who grew up playing the sorts of games you call out being so different from the concerns you point to makes it a hard hypothesis for me to agree with.
I'm in my forties and was an early adopter of "violent" online video games. I played Quake on PC at 12-13 and moved through the others as the industry evolved. Grand theft auto and Battlefield in high school, then call of duty and halo throughout college. And WoW, so much WoW. And dozens of others games, many not explicitly violent.
I played these games with all kinds of friends from straight arrows to burnouts to dropouts. But never did I get the impression that the games themselves were directing their decisions as a larger part of their personalities or life goals. The kids in high school that didn't care about school, didn't care regardless of the games they played. If they weren't skipping school to play games, they'd just be skipping to watch movies or hang out in parking lots.
In college, at an elite school, all my friends played these games with most of their Free time, but by virtue of getting into the college, they were all straight A students in high school. A few ended up getting poor grades because they say and played games and smoked pot all day instead. But by and large they balanced work with pawning newbs.
As an adult, I don't pay game nearly as often (got a baby to look after), but most of my childless male friends still play a lot of online games. But rather than being violent lazy vagrants, they're by and large successfull professionals. They are upper level Engineers, actuaries, corporate directors, etc. they just happen to like to play video games in their free time.
So, maybe on a larger analysis there is a statistic that points to an affect from these violent video games, but experientially as someone who has lived the life of a gamer, the concerns you outline just never materialized.
That is great news that you're aware of different outcomes. However, many teens and young people are suffering from gaming addiction - there are many treatment centers for the addiction as well. It is not a hypothesis that young people are suffering from this problem; it is a fact. Of course, not everyone will suffer, just as not everyone will get cancer if they smoke. We need to raise awareness to help those in need.
Thanks for writing this. Just wanted to leave my two cents, since I was basically the kid you're talking about here. (warning: lots of yapping ahead)
First off: my experience with video game addiction
From age 12 onward, I played at least 3-4 hours of video games a day, and spent my summers from 16+ (when I stopped having any interest in summer camps) playing 12+ hours of video games a day. I would call it a flow blown addiction by that point for sure. My parents mostly just let me do it, because it was one of the only things I enjoyed, and I was always a high achiever and straight-A student.
By junior year of high school I had fallen into a deep depression. I had no friends at school, little interest in girls (or anything else), no goals, and no hope. One thing that I think is worth pointing out is that at this stage of the addiction you don't really feel any joy from the game either. You're just getting a fix and taking the edge off, but you feel just as depressed, angry, and isolated while you're playing as while you're not. The stimulation of the game just kind of makes you numb.
As a coping mechanism, (once I was at college and didn't have any guardrails on my behavior), I started to swing really far to a different kind of harmful behavior: drugs, drinking, partying, I guess I was trying to make up for lost time as far as socializing goes. By week 3 of my freshman semester, I was day-drinking and skipping class. I dropped out by October.
My game of choice was (is) Rocket League, which is definitely a far cry from the GTAV/Fortnites of the world and doesn't have any sexual content or violence. That said, the chat on any online multiplayer game is absolutely heinous. I regularly had people telling me to kill myself or that I was worthless over a video game at age 12/13. That's not even to mention the profanity, racism, and sexism that is widespread in online games. Honestly, the chat is far worse than any of the game content. Rocket League is E rated, by the way.
And if the in-game chat is bad, Discord is even worse. Totally unregulated, anonymous voice chat. The worst things that I said and that people said to me, were all over discord. (for girls especially, there is also a lot of predatory behavior on discord, too).
secondly: in defense of gaming not being completely horrible
After I hit rock bottom at 18 (impressive, I know), I decided to get my life together. I started going to the gym, I got a factory temp job, and started going to community college. There, I made the best social decision of my life: joining the esports club. There, we played games with all the structure and positive community of actual sports (minus the physical benefits, admittedly). I formed a close bond with some of my teammates that outlasted our time playing there together.
The one saving grace of my years-long Rocket League addiction is that I was, in fact, really really good at Rocket League. Good enough that I ended up being able to get a 50% ride to a four-year school after I graduated community college, and continued to have a strong community and close friends through esports. I even met my now-fiancee through the esports program there.
I'm able to stay close with old friends that live in different states because we still hop on the game together and chat when we have free time. I was a social outcast before I started gaming, and though it isolated me at first, I did find a legitimate (and in-person) sense of community through gaming eventually.
Also, gaming got me interested in making games, which got me interested in computer science, which I am now about to complete my Master's degree in. Gaming did a lot of damage to me, but it also ended up being a huge positive influence. I don't really play games much any more, about 4-6 hours a week (that's still a lot, but reasonable for a hobby). Would I have been a "better" person without video games at all? Maybe, probably, but its the only life I've lived. I don't resent my parents or myself for it.
There were two things that my parents did that helped me immensely from becoming a full-blown dysfunctional basement dweller. Firstly, my parents never let us play games in our rooms, only in a shared space (until my constant pestering and carefully crafted arguments about needing my own space convinced them by the time I was 16). Secondly, I never stopped playing sports, even at the peak of my addiction. Those two things made a huge difference in the long run.
I don't have any specific conclusions, I just thought that those of you who are parents might be interested in one kid's perspective.
Thanks for sharing your experience. A lot of parents do not know what goes on in the in-game chats and on Discord. I'm glad that you were able to come out of your period of heavy use; your comments about depression are particularly moving because we know that the games contribute to that. So many boys cannot escape that cycle, and those are the people ScreenStrong is trying to help.
Melanie, awesome article. I have a friend who's son died by suicide while gaming. When they found him, it was obvious he had been gaming, and he took a picture of himself, smiling, as he put his head in the rope he had hung up. My friend is an incredible mother, her husband is an ER Dr. It can happen to anyone. I wonder if this poor kid was living"in" the game? Had he lost sense of all reality? Was he trying to kill himself? Did he think he would come back to life? He was in his senior year. My question is when are you taking your mission to congress? The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk was by a gamer. I feel like this part of the assassination has been enormously over looked. Everyone is focused on his political and sexual preferences. I have no doubt those played a role too, but what about the gaming???? He inscribed gaming stuff on the shells!!! Why aren't we talking about what games he played, how many hours a day, for how many years?? Melanie, you have educated me so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me keep my two boys, 8 and 12, free from gaming.
Melanie and I always look for that gaming connection, and, unfortunately, we haven't seen an instance when it wasn't there. The killer at Covenant School was even dressed like a particular figure in a video game. I am so sorry about your friend's son. This is what ScreenStrong is trying to prevent. And, as to getting to Congress, Melanie is always trying to spread the ScreenStrong message wherever she can. Ideas as to how to get there?
I wish I knew how to contact congress!!!! But I am just a humble homeschool mom. I am just so grateful for Melanie. I didn't know that the gaming connecting is always there. Yet NO ONE in the media talks about it, regardless of the kind of media.
We understand how large the investment of the gaming companies is in every form of media. "The global video game industry is a billion-dollar business and has been for many years. In 2024, the revenue from the worldwide gaming market was estimated at almost 455 billion U.S. dollars, with the mobile gaming market generating an estimated 98.7 billion U.S. dollars of the total." From Statista.com. That represents a lot of advertising revenue for all platforms. From Forbes: "Global revenue generated by the gaming industry is greater than the global revenue generated by the music and movie industries combined. Here are some industry statistics to help you digest that statement:
• In 2022, the global gaming industry generated an estimated $184.4 billion.
• In 2022, the global recorded music industry generated $26.2 billion.
• In 2022, the global movie industry generated $26 billion in box office revenue." So how do you get the word out when everywhere they have an interest in seeing gaming grow?
I found a lot of the information in this article very helpful, but at parts, it became difficult to separate well-researched, proven observations or guidelines from the author's opinion. I am also very wary of any video games, but an all-out ban until a child leaves the home doesn't seem like the best solution to me. Are there resources, research, or guidelines for ages when it might be ok to introduce a small amount of video games that the family plays together? Or that friends can play together in a common area of the home?
I'd also be very interested to have some sources for this quote,
"Just 30 minutes a day or a few hours on the weekend triggers dopamine spikes that make the brain crave more all week long, draining interest in real-life activities."
This has been my instinct, but I have not been able to find any neuroscience to substantiate it. I'd be very interested to dive deeper into sources that discuss it.
Thanks for the article.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. My goal is always to translate what we know from neuroscience into practical guardrails for families. I also want to point out that video games are not mandatory for kids/teens, and that they are not for every child. We don't frame our solutions as a negative ban; rather, we present them as a positive lifestyle choice with numerous benefits.
On bans versus moderation: not every family takes the same approach. What research does show is that younger brains are especially vulnerable to fast-paced, high-reward digital play. Even short sessions can trigger reward pathways in ways that make it harder for some kids to sustain interest in slower, real-world activities. That doesn’t mean every child will be equally affected, but it does mean parents should be cautious.
As for dopamine and the prefrontal cortex (PFC), fast, frequent rewards can overwhelm the brain’s self-control circuits. Studies show that 10–20 minutes of violent or action gaming can reduce activity in the PFC (responsible for attention and impulse control) while increasing activity in emotional/arousal regions. The PFC is known to be especially vulnerable under stress, high arousal, and dopamine surges, which gaming often triggers. Prolonged high-reward play can weaken frontal control, a finding well supported by research.
My goal is not to alarm, but to provide parents with the clearest picture of risks so they can make informed decisions, recognize warning signs, and realize that gaming is not a necessary or mandatory activity.
References for further reading:
BrainFacts / Society for Neuroscience. (2021). How Playing Video Games Affects Your Brain.
Datta, D., & Arnsten, A. F. T. (2019). Loss of Prefrontal Cortical Higher Cognition with Uncontrollable Stress. Brain Sciences.
Disrupting Prefrontal Cortex Prevents Performance Gains from Sensory Learning. PNAS / PMC.
Sussman, C. (2017). Digital Addictions: A Family Guide to Prevention, Signs, and Treatment. Children and Screens.
Weinstein, A. (2017). Neurocognitive mechanisms of Internet Gaming Disorder. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 269.
Montag, C., & Walla, P. (2016). Carving the Internet Addiction Spectrum into Distinct Disorders and Subtypes. Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment, 12.
Christakis, D. A. (2019). The Challenges of Defining and Studying ‘Digital Addiction’ in Children. JAMA Pediatrics, 173(10), 922–923.
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2022). Family Media Plan.
Some of these resources may be helpful. ScreenStrong definitely has sources for all of this information. https://screenstrong.org/videogames/ might be the place to start. Melanie Hempe, the founder and the author of this piece, has done a deep dive on all the research that's out there. This may be what she needs to feature in an upcoming substack. But I know she refers to it in some of her books.