Emily, - this is everything! I am in a constant drum beat (to anyone who will listen) about how we need to stop with the smartphones. As a mom of two sons (10yo and 1yo), and a teacher at a PK-12, I cannot underscore how problematic this is in our schools and homes. I took a screenshot of the cover photo because my car looked and sounded *exactly* like that on Monday morning. We've had this conversation many times, and will many times in the future. I think explaining in clear and concrete ways what we know about neuroscience, emotional wellbeing, and child development to children is the best way to approach this question. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Kim! And Yes! Keep it up!! I find as my kids are getting older, not only are the conversations getting easier, but as I stay consistent, I gain more of their trust. Clarity is kindness, after all.
Emily, so thankful for families like yours, having that conversation! You are planting seeds and it will spread for the good. The more I look into this use of technology with children, the more harmful I feel it is. Thank you for sharing your story!
This will become the norm in your house very quickly if you enforce it! I even ask kids in the car to follow our family rule of "no devices in the car" I do try to say it 1:1 so I'm not embarrassing a child and let them know if they need to contact their mom to go ahead and do that but then it's time to put the phone away. Letting mom friends know your stance is the best way I've found to build community around this too. Good luck & keep us posted!
Hi! I really enjoy the articles here on your Substack. I was wondering if you have advice on how to ask your kids' friends to put away or not use their smartphones when they visit your house? I guess something (said sweetly) like, "when kids come over we want them to play without the distraction of a phone, so we ask that you don't use it when playing." Some kids are easy and 'get it' right away, while others try and find loopholes in your rules. Maybe it's not necessary to tell other parents about it unless the issue comes up? Trying not to make it all so complicated!
I wish discussions and information like this had been available a few years ago. In 2021 my 11 year old twin boys went on a 2 week mission to convince me to get cell phones. Our family therapist said I should do it, because I could use access to the phones to get compliance on following household rules. That initiated 2 years of family conflict and hardship. Although I finally wrestled the phones away after 1.5 years, since then my sons filled their time with other electronics, stole my phone and computer, and hacked their school chromebooks. One son is so screen addicted that he makes threats of property damage (and will carry them out) if I do not turn on wifi for his chromebook or let him use the househole Alexa. That son is now enrolled in a screen addiction program run by Boston Children's Hospital.
Electronics need to be reduced earlier. Reduced access to electronics and more outside play, including unsupervised and minmally play with peers, earlier in childhood, is the direction to go.
Conflict in the home over the need for internet / video access has been so extreme for so many years, and continues to be relentless. Even though the boys haven't owned cell phone since June 2023, the problem isn't over. The craving for video games and screens continues. I tried to give access to our xbox contingent on good behavior. Just last week (school vacation week), one son stole my credit card and in 5 days of xbox access charged $180 for gaming purchases. This year alone the two children combined have stolen $1,000 by either stealing my credit card or figuring out how to access my paypal. Because they only care about getting access to their games and impressing online friends they may never meet, they don't care about breaking a rule like "don't steal." When I tell therapists this, they focus on how I can better hide my credit card (like, get a wall safe, or switch to apple pay and stop carrying cards) or how to protect my PayPal account. I disagree with that focus. 14 is old enough to know not to steal from family members.
Oh, goodness. Catherine, thank you for telling your story. I'm inspired to keep sharing the ScreenStrong message boldly so that fewer families are susceptible to this all too common pain. You aren't alone in your struggle! I hope you'll check out the Connect community as Melanie says. Getting the right advice early on certainly has helped my family, but there's still much hope for your family! Fourteen years old is young enough to make some real, lasting changes. There's still great hope for your boys!! I wish you well.
Catherine, this story is all too common; I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I do know that pain well. Please reach out to our Connect community at screenstrong.org, and we will help you. Thank you so much for sharing. Others need to hear your story.
Emily, - this is everything! I am in a constant drum beat (to anyone who will listen) about how we need to stop with the smartphones. As a mom of two sons (10yo and 1yo), and a teacher at a PK-12, I cannot underscore how problematic this is in our schools and homes. I took a screenshot of the cover photo because my car looked and sounded *exactly* like that on Monday morning. We've had this conversation many times, and will many times in the future. I think explaining in clear and concrete ways what we know about neuroscience, emotional wellbeing, and child development to children is the best way to approach this question. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Kim! And Yes! Keep it up!! I find as my kids are getting older, not only are the conversations getting easier, but as I stay consistent, I gain more of their trust. Clarity is kindness, after all.
Emily, so thankful for families like yours, having that conversation! You are planting seeds and it will spread for the good. The more I look into this use of technology with children, the more harmful I feel it is. Thank you for sharing your story!
...and what do you think about a table by your front door where you ask your kids friends to 'drop' their phones? Thanks :)
Yes! Absolutely to a basket at the front door or wherever.
This will become the norm in your house very quickly if you enforce it! I even ask kids in the car to follow our family rule of "no devices in the car" I do try to say it 1:1 so I'm not embarrassing a child and let them know if they need to contact their mom to go ahead and do that but then it's time to put the phone away. Letting mom friends know your stance is the best way I've found to build community around this too. Good luck & keep us posted!
Hi! I really enjoy the articles here on your Substack. I was wondering if you have advice on how to ask your kids' friends to put away or not use their smartphones when they visit your house? I guess something (said sweetly) like, "when kids come over we want them to play without the distraction of a phone, so we ask that you don't use it when playing." Some kids are easy and 'get it' right away, while others try and find loopholes in your rules. Maybe it's not necessary to tell other parents about it unless the issue comes up? Trying not to make it all so complicated!
https://katherinemartinko.substack.com/p/how-to-handle-other-kids-with-phones
I wish discussions and information like this had been available a few years ago. In 2021 my 11 year old twin boys went on a 2 week mission to convince me to get cell phones. Our family therapist said I should do it, because I could use access to the phones to get compliance on following household rules. That initiated 2 years of family conflict and hardship. Although I finally wrestled the phones away after 1.5 years, since then my sons filled their time with other electronics, stole my phone and computer, and hacked their school chromebooks. One son is so screen addicted that he makes threats of property damage (and will carry them out) if I do not turn on wifi for his chromebook or let him use the househole Alexa. That son is now enrolled in a screen addiction program run by Boston Children's Hospital.
Electronics need to be reduced earlier. Reduced access to electronics and more outside play, including unsupervised and minmally play with peers, earlier in childhood, is the direction to go.
Conflict in the home over the need for internet / video access has been so extreme for so many years, and continues to be relentless. Even though the boys haven't owned cell phone since June 2023, the problem isn't over. The craving for video games and screens continues. I tried to give access to our xbox contingent on good behavior. Just last week (school vacation week), one son stole my credit card and in 5 days of xbox access charged $180 for gaming purchases. This year alone the two children combined have stolen $1,000 by either stealing my credit card or figuring out how to access my paypal. Because they only care about getting access to their games and impressing online friends they may never meet, they don't care about breaking a rule like "don't steal." When I tell therapists this, they focus on how I can better hide my credit card (like, get a wall safe, or switch to apple pay and stop carrying cards) or how to protect my PayPal account. I disagree with that focus. 14 is old enough to know not to steal from family members.
Thank you for your honesty, Catherine. I agree with Emily and Melanie. There is hope. And also, parenthood is so hard. Sending you love.
Oh, goodness. Catherine, thank you for telling your story. I'm inspired to keep sharing the ScreenStrong message boldly so that fewer families are susceptible to this all too common pain. You aren't alone in your struggle! I hope you'll check out the Connect community as Melanie says. Getting the right advice early on certainly has helped my family, but there's still much hope for your family! Fourteen years old is young enough to make some real, lasting changes. There's still great hope for your boys!! I wish you well.
Catherine, this story is all too common; I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I do know that pain well. Please reach out to our Connect community at screenstrong.org, and we will help you. Thank you so much for sharing. Others need to hear your story.