Why Your Middle Schooler Doesn’t Need a Smartphone for Christmas

There’s still time to return it! Here’s why you should.

Tell me the truth… are you subscribed to the ScreenStrong Stubstack and still planning to gift your middle schooler a smartphone this Christmas?

Many parents I meet find it easy to stay ScreenStrong throughout elementary school, but there is something about that 6th to 8th grade time period that does families in. It’s likely the combination of 3 things: changes in brain development, increased independence, and good old-fashioned peer pressure.

First up, brain development. The middle school brain is undergoing rapid change, and these changes put our apprentice teenagers at the crossroads of one of the worst times for social media and smartphones. That’s because their reward center is developing faster than the judgment center, meaning their “accelerator” (reward center) is on overdrive while the “brakes” (judgment center) are not fully functional.

Next, increased independence. As our children begin to spend more and more time away from home, we assume that a smartphone will keep our kids safe while helping them be more independent, but that’s not true. In fact, a smartphone will get in the way of your child developing important life skills, making them more dependent on you, which is why a smartphone may be one of the most regretted gifts by parents today. If your child is out of your house for longer periods thanks to sports and other extracurriculars, remember a basic talk-text phone is all they need to stay connected.

Finally, peer pressure. And I’m not talking about teen peer pressure here. I am referring to parental peer pressure. Let’s face it, if all of our parenting friends agreed not to give phones in middle school — and stuck to that agreement! — it would be much easier. When every other child in a friend group has a smartphone, parents may say that they don’t want their kid to miss out, but in reality, it’s them as parents who don’t want to be left out. Parents experience peer pressure just as much as kids. No parent wants to be criticized for parenting decisions, so they give in.

If you already bought your middle schooler a smartphone, the good news is that Christmas is still a week away, which means you have plenty of time to return that smartphone and swap it for another big-ticket item your child will love, one that won’t lead to arguments and possible screen addiction.

Here are 5 of the biggest reasons to not gift your middle schooler a smartphone for Christmas.

1. Phones of any kind should never be a gift.

You read that right. Phones of any kind should never be a gift, even basic phones. Gifts are meant to be given without expectations or parameters. After all, we don’t tell our child, “You can only play with these Legos for an hour a day,” or, “You can’t bring these dolls into your bedroom.” That is because when you gift something to someone, it becomes theirs to do with as they see fit. When you give a phone as a gift, it becomes that much harder for you to place and enforce limits or, ultimately, to take it away if rules are broken or use becomes problematic.

If you are ever going to let your child use a phone, even a basic one, I encourage you to give it at a random time with clear expectations that this phone belongs to you and you are allowing your child to use it as a tool so long as they can meet certain expectations. If they cannot meet these expectations, you will take your phone back.

2. It will cause stress & arguments.

When you, as a parent, do not feel fully empowered to set or enforce limits, chaos ensues. Many families I speak to who have allowed smartphones in their homes tell me they argue with their children daily about their usage. And when they aren’t actively arguing, these parents are still worrying about their children’s smartphone use and the changes they are seeing in their family.

In my opinion, gifts should only amplify the love and connection you have with your child – full stop. Never give a gift that will hurt your family connection.

3. You can’t speed up brain development.

Your middle-school-aged daughter (because, let’s be real, I often hear this argument about daughters) may be “mature” for her age, but make no mistake, her brain is still very much that of a child’s.

That’s not an insult; it’s just science. Because while we may confuse intelligence for maturity, they are two very different things. The brain is not fully developed until age 25, and the last part to connect is the frontal cortex, which is responsible for good decision-making. No matter how mature and how special you think your child is, they cannot predictably control their impulses. And impulsive behavior online leads to big trouble.

4. Your child is more vulnerable now than ever.

It’s estimated that rejection pain—especially in girls—peaks between ages 13 to 15. And, as you might remember from your own childhood, middle school already comes with a lot of potential rejection. Social media amplifies this pain exponentially, not only through explicit cyberbullying but by allowing our children to constantly compare themselves (their appearances, their accomplishments, even their vacations) to others.

We aren’t just talking about hurt feelings here. We are talking about potential life-and-death consequences, especially when you learn that, according to the CDC, 9th graders are significantly more likely than 12th graders to consider suicide.

5. Your child needs to develop their in-person social skills.

If you are gifting your middle schooler a phone to help them stay connected with their friends, know that you may be actually stunting their social development instead of aiding it. That’s because a device will never provide them with the type of connection they really need.

Middle schoolers do need time with their friends—lots of time, even. But they need that time to be face-to-face. Only from this in-person time will our children learn how to be good friends and resolve conflicts, both of which they will need to feel connected in a healthy way and be less stressed. They also need these skills to succeed personally and professionally in the real world.

We all had the gift of making deep connections with our friends way before we got convenient smartphones. Give your child that same gift.

So what should you gift them instead?

While it seems like every other parent is gifting their child a smartphone for Christmas, you don’t have to. When you don’t, you won’t just be circumventing a lot of potential arguments and teen mental health problems, but you are opening the door to some truly amazing Christmas gift opportunities.

After all, think about how much that phone cost you! $300? $700? $1000?! (Not to mention the monthly fees.) That’s a lot of money to buy a big, splashy, non-tech gift item that will still make your child light up on Christmas morning. Since we are only a week out from Christmas, here are some ideas.

1. Passes to theme parks, movie theaters, trampoline parks, etc. These kinds of passes—especially if they are annual or season passes—are the gifts that keep on giving. On cold, rainy, or just plain “boring” days, your child will have a default place to go and spend time with friends and family that doesn’t involve screens.

2. A pet to take care of. Getting a new puppy or kitten on Christmas morning is a core childhood memory. You can gift your child that memory this year. Bonus: by giving your child something they need to take care of and love, you can help combat some of that middle-school naval-gazing and build up the empathy skills that social media sabotages.

3. Hobby items that promote creativity and grit. Smartphones promote a low-effort, high-reward mentality. Especially in middle school, we need to teach our children the importance of grit and the sense of accomplishment that comes from learning something difficult. If your child has a preferred hobby, you can give them items that support that hobby. If they are a basketball player, for example, buy them those fancy basketball shoes they’ve had their eye on. If they have started to learn guitar, buy them a real, rockstar-level guitar. If they don’t have a hobby yet, buy things that would help them develop one.

For more gift ideas, ScreenStrong also has a 2024 Gift Guide that offers hundreds of non-tech gifts for tweens and teens.

Remember, it’s okay for your kids (and for you!) to stand out from the crowd, and ScreenStrong always has your back. Go here for more on why smartphones are not smart for middle school kids. And if you would like to meet other like-minded families, join our free Connect group or upgrade to Connect Plus to get access to our 30-Day Reset, live webinars, and more.

ScreenStrong Resources

Podcast—“ScreenStrong Teens: Smartphone-Free Childhoods”

Podcast—“Understanding Dopamine in Developing Brains with Dr. Anna Lembke”

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kids’ Brains and Screens Series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction. ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so teens can reach their full potential.

Visit here for family resource materials and here for our Phone-Free Schools Guide, and visit ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community that is saving childhood.